-never been romanced like this before.

2011-04-21T20:32:00.000+08:00

And just when I thought that yesterday was almost done and over with, you came in with your swagger and disarming smile.

It kinda cheered me up a bit with all the small talk, and sometimes personal conversations.

It was terribly unnerving because I realized I was rambling all the freaking way.

And today was neutralized out in a way even though I really should be harboring more unhappiness.

2011-04-20T19:07:00.002+08:00

looks like it has come to the ending that i have always dreaded.

it could have ended on a better note though. but looking at how dismal and bleak things were, it couldnt have been a lot better.

i believe you may blame me for everything, maybe not.

i know for sure that you wouldnt understand the humiliation of giving it up, or of standing by in the shadows continuously. the problem was, i let you have your way WAY too often. I accepted whatever you threw at me or whatever reason or explanation. My problem was I couldnt trust you or maybe i just dont trust people easily. maybe it's a problem with me, not you.

so many maybes, but what for?

i will no longer remain delusional.

2011-04-16T20:35:00.000+08:00

I keep typing and typing but I just end up canceling everything and not hitting send.

I'm trying my damndest to not care, but still you're the only thing that crosses my mind ever so frequently.

I know, to you I'm this whiny irritating insensitive bitch who cares only about her own feelings. Not about yours. If only you held my hand or waited for me while I went through it, or maybe not said "I don't know" after I asked you the question, which eventually led to me deciding to go ahead with it.

Mrs sus recently had a miscarriage, and I feel like such a terrible human being. There are innocent babies and desperate amazing people out there who deserve their happiness, much more than I do. But why is it that I'm just about the only insane person who chose to take that one shred of hope away from myself?

I question myself every single night. No matter how much I try to stuff my

tummy with food, I still feel a gnawing hollow feeling. A small part was taken away that day, which can never be returned.

I wonder what's on your mind, what you are doing, whether you think of me like how I'm thinking of you. Are you?

Maybe it's called paying a price, but does anyone deserve such a heavy debt?

2011-04-06T12:40:00.000+08:00

I think I'm much more bitchy now after my MVA. Not depressed or anything, just angsty and pissed and obviously bitchy and cranky.

You try going through a fucking MVA see you become cranky or not.

So now it's just me and my ob-gyn who know about it. And obviously my hundred bucks dose of General anesthesia is like an epidural in the room.

You have selective replies. I have selective words. I really wanna know what is my limit to all this.

and I would never wish an MVA upon anyone, not even my worst enemy.

2011-03-30T21:26:00.000+08:00

I'm terrified. It's not as though it hasn't hit me yet, but realizing how extremely serious the consequences of my decision would be made me think twice. I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to feel obliged. I didn't want to use it as a form of ransom. I didn't want it to be another 'doing things just so you will change your mind' kind of thing. Why does everything seem so oblivious to you? Fine I kept it from you yes I did. But what would the diff be? It's not something that you want so I can't force it upon you. Neither do I want you to be obligated.

I went through this for the past month or so, hoping you would see the signs without me stating the obvious.

I dunno whether it's the right choice.

If I should regretfully sacrifice one life to successfully save another.

2011-03-29T12:38:00.002+08:00

All i can think about is my MVA on sat. and i wonder what is really on your mind.
Apparently that means NOTHING to you. $800.

I always thought that love in a relationship would get you through anything. but obviously not through this.

terribly disappointing.

2011-03-28T20:34:00.000+08:00

I try to act normal, be normal like everyone else when I know that this thing that I do will change my life forever. It only changes mine. Nobody else's. The guilt will stick forever. But I would rather that than to have you detest me for forcing this upon you. I can't do that. I wish I was more conniving or bitchy or hard hearted. It would be so much easier that way..

2011-03-22T20:58:00.002+08:00

seeing the whole thing unravel in front of me really got me.

seeing the mother's anguish, the kid's lies, and the father's nonchalence left me in tatters.
the child's heartless words broke his mother. and it broke me when i hugged her and i felt her tears streaming down her cheeks. it took me so much control in order not to cry with her.
i may be young, but i fully empathize with how she feels. rollercoaster of emotions.

wanting her child to be beside her, yet not wanting to force.

which makes me even more adament about my decision next saturday. it's sad that i've reached this conclusion but yet I believe it's the best for you.

hopefully, it's the best for us.

2011-03-20T23:10:00.002+08:00

you should never ever leave people hanging like that.

i may be the not-understanding bitch to you or something like that, or demanding and not easily pleased. but i've compromised til i cant compromise anymore.

at least you are able to sleep better at night without my constant whining or complaining about equality of rights. to tell you the truth, i can barely sleep. thinking about next weekend makes me sick to my stomach, literally. i wish you knew and could be there to hold my hand. wish that you could ease my guilt. but i can't tell you. i can't do anything.

if i wanted revenge, it would be so damn easy. just reverse my decision and wait for responsibility to be taken. you might hate me for it. you would wonder why i would leave you with this pile of crap if i really did love you. however, you tell me that you love me.
but, do you love me enough?

will you still love me tomorrow, the day after or rather, 10 years on?

2011-03-18T13:27:00.003+08:00

speaking to her was the same as speaking to an OR.
hollow, inaffectionate, clinical, precise.

which didnt make things much better though. she told me to think through before the 2nd visit and she gave me references for consultations if i needed to speak to someone about this decision. its just a different method for the procedure.

this same thing happened to someone 10 years ago, and i never knew it would ever happen to me.

i can't imagine how it would be like.

honest to God, i would pray for it to be as painless as possible..

2011-03-16T21:22:00.002+08:00

everyday i will wake with a damn fucked up feeling within me. and it wont change for a while. when the said fucked up feeling emerges as a huge sense of guilt. how the fuck will this change, please just fucking tell me. i dont fucking unload anymore and i wont. I WONT. i swore to myself i will NEVER "do things just to make you stay" so this, i will take on myself. i don't fucking deserve this, but who am i to say what i deserve? all i have to fucking do now is to occupy myself instead of just thinking of a fucking way to go through this fucked up shit. seriously. i will never again ask for anything. if a small thing cannot be accomplished, i am very sure this is way too much to ask for. i will just fuck my own life up. yours not included.

Al called me last week and i told him about my plans for a trip.
now, i just hope i emotionally recover in time for that. if not, i will just wreck my entire holiday.
and honestly, who the fuck wants to fuck up a trip to San Francisco? definitely not me.

its interesting how when i try to minimise your guilt, i pile on mine.

fuck i just cant stop crying every night.

2011-03-14T20:41:00.000+08:00

White lies are minor lies which could be considered to be harmless, or even beneficial, in the long term. White lies are also considered to be used for greater good.

white bloody lies.

2011-03-13T16:20:00.001+08:00

i don't know how to tell you some stuff, so i keep it inside.

i miss you so badly, but i just don't know how to tell you.

everything hurts so much, i wonder if it would ever stop hurting at all.

2011-03-13T13:04:00.002+08:00

i never really quite understood my friends' "obsession" with being part of a cabin crew. Probably the fact that they are very unhappy with their current jobs and the glitz and glamour that entails it are pretty much appealing to them.
I admit, travelling is THE factor in wanting it, but it definitely screws up your body clock. You go to London and you come back, wondering what time you should fall asleep.
You want glitz and glamour? Just walk along Beverly Hills/shop in Rodeo Drive/club in Hollywood. Aren't they the same? And you're not even working! Would love to bump into Andrew Garfield at the beach or along the streets while I'm people-watching at some cafe.
And Mao Shihui is going to Yale. Lucky thing. Would bug her to bring home some See's candies when she flies back. Al has once again proven his persistent little point the last time we talked.
Seriously, A DOG?! that would really be the icing on the cake. Recommended a golden retriever since he asked.

I dreamt that my cousin, Michael, became a doctor! Ooh, fancy fancy. He looked good in his blue scrubs though. Reminds me of the time Margaret and him brought Stephen and I to Krispy Kreme in SF. Heavenly smells wafting through the air made the cold air so much easier to bear. Beats Famous Amos ANYTIME. Regret not heading into the F21 boutique then, but I sure as hell would drag my cheap Singaporean ass in the same time I pass by.
Miss the barking of the seals on Pier 39, chomping a HUGE Churros along the way. What can I say, I'm a sucker for this through and through.

It feels strange that I keep thinking that I am afraid I would bump into Geon whenever I go there. The same damn corner with the non-existent communication.
I hope Zc is fine though, he was a mess yesterday. Addie was dressed all prim & proper, I wonder why cos he's supposed to be THE queen on Handbag Night. Strange.

I talk here so I do not so much as "unload" a sentence onto you anymore, so we dont quarrel. I'm sure that is fine by both of us and it sure makes things easier for you. Wanting something so much from you was my downfall. Led me into this predicament. I would no longer try "do things to make you stay". That sentence bugs me every single night. Can't believe thats what you truly think of me. Since all we've been doing is not to salvage "us", wouldn't it be better for me to keep things fine and dandy, just the way you want it to be? Act like there's not a care in the world...

Meredith: [voiceover] Ask most people what they want out of life and the answer is simple - to be happy. Maybe it's this expectation though of wanting to be happy that just keeps us from ever getting there. Maybe the more we try to will ourselves to states of bliss, the more confused we get - to the point where we don't recognize ourselves. Instead we just keep smiling - trying to be the happy people we wish we were. Until it eventually hits us, it's been there all along. Not in our dreams or our hopes but in the known, the comfortable, the familiar.

2011-03-11T09:29:00.003+08:00

i had absolutely the worst dream last night. coupled with the nausea this morning, i am pretty sure what the signs are. i dreamt that i miscarried. what kind of fucked up dream is that?!

i will not drag you through trauma with me. because trauma, we all face it alone.

you live with the decisions you make.

2011-02-21T07:00:00.002+08:00

it's strange how jaded i've become. to the extent that i'm thinking of doing things i've never done before. like moving to the states. or batting for the other side.

i seemingly throw no caution to the wind anymore, and thinking twice before doing? nah, thats probably not gonna happen anytime soon.
fucking tiring to just cry and cry. drained like shit.
and to top it all off, Sat's incident at night was like the icing on the cake.

it is also very interesting how i have recently maintained contact with a friend who happened to be straightforward previously.

i thought that you were different. honestly, i thought so with all my heart.
good to know where i stand. that would bring me back to reality instead of being immersed in sugar-coated dreams. things that i thought i was sane enough not to do, i did. things that i thought were gravely illogical and ridiculous, i did.

i might just go on to be a trainwreck.

you broke me.

2011-02-07T12:32:00.003+08:00

I've not been too big a fan of hospitals, and yesterday was the second time in my entire life that I got referred there for a fever which hit the big 4. I felt like I was being scorched alive.
It was interesting because the last time I went there for fever I was one day away from being 16 so I was held in the Children's Ward. I should stop being so damn weak! For the past at least 5 or 6 years I went to the Gynae and other appointments alone. Which was sad and lonely. I guess I still held up after being used to it.

I felt like I was ready to go towards the light anytime, and I really wish I went..

2011-02-06T17:54:00.001+08:00

And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I've never fell in love with no one
But it sure felt nice when I held you in the sun
And you, you took my hand, said you'll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

A penny for my thoughts
oh no I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I've been singing?
Funny when you're dead how people start listening...

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song...

send me away with the words of our love song.

2011-02-06T01:10:00.003+08:00

Someone just said something very very strange to me, kinda unbelievable in a sense and its making my head spin in circles. Its neither positive nor negative, just strange i guess.

CNY has been a normal affair, what with visiting and all. Gambling was never my strong suit, so it should come as no surprise that I lost $34 bucks this year over 2 days. Every single time I set a limit, if I have lost til that certain limit, I stop playing. Thats also why I consider $34 a reasonable loss, although a bit heartpain still...

Buttered on Friday night, which was utterly liberating for me. Didnt get piss-drunk, but drank a substantial amount to get myself in the zone. Interestingly, bumped into my CEO Peggy and Aden at the Jap restaurant outside. And also, saw Onn Shaun, Samuel and gang inside.

I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt that I was happy about something..

Finally got to see Ally just now when Aden and Peggy brought her over to Mrs Ong's place! She still loves lickin my face, which I absolutely adore and not detest. Animals are so innocent that when they are hurt or abused, it breaks my heart...

I'm going crazy just thinking about whether there's anything going on at home, while I am trying my best to occupy my restless mind. It's Sunday tomorrow, which makes things even worse since I probably wont be heading out at all. Should start reading everyday again, wonder why I even stopped in the first place.

Many times I am tempted to call or check, but i tell myself not to stoop so low to that level where I will just end up like everyone else. Stepping over the line. Manipulative. I believe that I am better than that. Although the wondering kills me, at least I do not put myself in a position for you to fault my actions so the actions should not be carried out in the first place. I tell myself every single day that I am better than that. I am not manipulative.

At night, I sometimes wish you were here beside me...

And I wonder if I
Ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one
I'm all alone
And I need you now
Said I wouldn't call
But I've lost all control
And I need you now

And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now

2011-02-05T17:22:00.002+08:00

you know whats the strangest thing? its CNY and i'm blogging. Never once in the many recent years was there an opportunity to go visiting with my partner and i've gotten so immune to it that I give up asking anymore.

It's Feb already, and I'm holding on still. Hoping for the best for us. Hoping against hope that you really will keep your word, and fulfil your promises made instead of taking me for a ride again.

I've been crying my eyes out because you've been away for a while, am I really so weak and fragile? Am I going to be so dispensable? Should I be strong-headed and stubborn instead of giving in and compromising and believing?

Hopefully, I do not need to press the self-destruct button because it's what I'm doing slowly now.

2011-01-07T12:15:00.002+08:00

Last night was a terrible night. Honestly, I felt damn near suicidal. Damn pissed now with how i felt. I went so far as to go to your block, hoping that you would see my sms or realise that I was looking for you.

Oh well. I honestly want to revert back to my previous state. Being stubbornly independent and not relying on anyone at all. I fell into that trap and I wanna get out. The only thing I would end up as is being disappointed sometimes when I can't seem to rely on you.

I want to drown my sorrows tonight. As Zc would say, tonight is my night.

2010-12-27T19:36:00.002+08:00

I'm writing this because I'm at my wit's end. For 10 years, I loved the same person and instead of a happy ever after ending, I land myself in situations I've never been in before. I thought that the times I've let you down could be replaced by giving you everything, including myself. Little did I expect things to be so difficult as well as complicated. No one could have foreseen how deeply I would fall this time round. How, in a desperate bid to save both of us, I wilt away bit by bit. I can feel my soul being ripped apart in different places, but yet with all the reassurance you give, you put my pieces back one by one. However, when I feel within myself, the indelible scar is soft against my fingers.

I've cried myself silly, til I'm numb. Tears are nothing more than an outlet of pain, no longer a tear-jerking reason for desired actions. I just don't understand how we ended up here. Are we really still dwelling in the fantasies that we used to dream about? I wonder if you really can't do this anymore.. because you know that it's utterly impossible for me to drag my sorry ass out of this predicament. It may be easier for you due to obligations you have to fulfil. No matter what, I will still feel as though I've known and loved you forever. I'm going crazy sinking through this alone, thinking about how you go to sleep beside her every night while I cry myself to sleep. I don't know of anyone who would have been sane enough to take crap for and from you. But that's the answer. I'm quite possibly insane. I believe so, because my old self would have scoffed mercilessly at my curerent actions, labelling them as foolish and naive, and more importantly, unrealistic. Why would you ever think that someone could truly and finally belong to you just because your world revolves around him, and him alone? It may just be wishful thinking on my part.

In a way, I hope that you would be mine, and yet, I am also afraid that if I stop doing or compromising, you might realise that underneath it all, I am actually empty and worthless. All is done to try to keep you beside me. If I don't, I would be pushing you away. Actually, I sometimes feel terrified of her finding out. You may need to make a choice, and I have no confidence in that department. How can I be sure that you would eventually choose me when even in the simplest of actions, her feelings are before mine?
In barely 4 months, I've successfully lost myself. What would one more compromise be as compared to the numerous before?

I really miss the times when we spent quality time together. Maybe I wasn't so expectant or emotionally involved yet, but now I am, and it's far too late. All these crazy thoughts are invading my mind, and though being the ball-less person that I am, I still relish the thought of falling and giving up everything. It's easier said than done, and the only thing keeping me sane and whole are my kids. I'm losing sight of my purpose in life and what I want for myself. Now, marriage is a faraway dream and I immense myself in such impossible dreams to keep my sanity intact and to bring me hope.

One of the sweetest moments was when we stayed at Costa Sands and spent our evening walking around aimlessly at RWS, the world seemingly in the palm of our hands. We had no worries at all. It was just us against the world. I enjoyed Cameron Highlands greatly too, knowing that time spent together is hard to come by makes it even more precious. Despite being drained from all the travelling, I love the feel of the wind whipping through my hair and placing my hands on your thighs or embracing you from behind. I understand that you're taking time out to spend with me and I appreciate it.

I miss falling asleep in your arms because I feel totally safe and secure when I'm in them.

Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along, so why can't you see?
You, you belong with me, you belong with me.

Romeo save me, they try to tell me how to feel
This love is difficult, but it's real
Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess
It's a love story baby just say yes

You never know the biggest day of your life is your biggest day, not until it’s happening. You don’t recognize the biggest day of your life, not until you’re right in the middle of it. The day you commit to something or someone. The day you get your heart broken. The day you meet your soul mate. The day you realize there’s not enough time because you wanna live forever. Those are the biggest days. The perfect days. You know, it was a beautiful day.

You never know the biggest day of your life is going to be the biggest. The days you think are going to be big ones, they are never as big as you make them out to be in your head. It’s the regular days, the ones that start out normal. Those are the days that end up being the biggest.

2010-12-23T20:19:00.002+08:00

♥ is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. - Robert Heinlein

as for now, i wonder whether you took down your post on her wall. despite saying that you realise how insecure it made me feel, i wonder whether you cared enough about my feelings to remove it.

i am also afraid to check, because somehow deep down, i think i know what awaits me.

2010-12-19T13:19:00.003+08:00

i may not be the best for you, but i will definitely try my best for you.

i dont know whats really going on. i cant trust anything anyone says.
to think that i was cynical before, this is a hundred folds worse. you tell me you're not working on your relationship with her, and yet you can still wish her happy 2 yrs anniversary and also declaring that you would love her always.... it felt like a stab to my heart when i saw it before my tears welled up in my eyes and i suppressed the urge to break down again. you also claim that you HAD to reply her on her wall since she wished you earlier. Dont you see it? Every single choice you make is determined by you. If you honestly didnt wish to say it you wouldnt have. Why oblige, knowing that it would hurt me further? AND also, you conveniently left out the part about you leaving it on her wall when you told me you didnt reply her on YOUR wall. you knew i blocked her and you knew i wouldnt be able to see it, so you did it. keeping it frm me was the same as lying blatantly to my face. How many times has it happened already?

Don't you understand that everytime i try to tell you how i feel I am just hoping for a reassuring answer from you? It never comes. I'm either faced with annoyance, silence, or a non-reply. Reason being you don't know what to say. Well, if it makes it easier for you that i don't unload onto you, then I wont. What is the point when i spill my guts out to the only person whom i HOPE would understand and i am met with a stony silence?

Can't you see that when i ask you the same thing repeatedly I am also trying my best to believe you, knowing that belief in my case has failed me time and time again. Yet, i persist on trying to believe, hoping against hope it would lead me somewhere. You tell me you sleep on the couch, ok so i can try to believe you. Even if you lie to me I wont find out too. However, when i do find out, and i confront you, its square one all over again. Unloading of shit then stony silence.

you tell me i'm not foolish, yet all the constant believing ensures that i am.

2010-12-18T11:47:00.002+08:00

i just decided not to publish the whole lengthy post i typed in the previous hour.

i am tired. i truly am.

2010-12-05T21:12:00.002+08:00

i just read yoko's old blog. when she found out about homan cheating on her. i realised so many things can be applied to me now.

i also know i have no right to play the victim card.

for the first time in many many years, i actually feel kinda suicidal and depressed. but no worries im still rational. i live on the 15th floor which makes it so much more worse.
of ALL people, i least expected you to do this to me. ALL people. i trusted you. you did and said things which earned it. you constantly reassured me. but also, out of all this, you repeatedly gave me reasons to doubt you. i was so ignorant and blind to all these signs.

you used me. i have no doubt about that. i was like coming up for fresh air to you. you wanted thrill and excitement in your life, which you have endlessly said that you lack. i provided that. i gave myself to you.

and today, i EVEN TRIED TO COVER YOUR ASS. deny all the countless rendezvous that we've had. deny that we speak on the phone. deny that we've met up. deny EVERY SINGLE THING.
why? because i'm not the kind of person who purposely stirs up trouble to spite someone. i can't do that because i love you. i love you way too much to see you hurt or stressed in any way. sometimes, i wish you could do the same for me too.

all those promises you made...words you've spoken. All the "i love yous" and "i miss yous", were they so easily uttered? was i so indispensable that you can throw me aside and deny my existence even when confronted with it?
and right after that you still tell me you love me.... how do you do that to someone you love? i will NEVER be able to bring myself to do that to you, but obviously our priorities are different. You mean the world to me, but i mean.......nothing to you. i really wish i could believe you from now on, your words and everything, but its not so simply said than done.

i gave up so much for you, and in the end.......nothing remains for me.

2010-12-05T19:33:00.002+08:00

i don't know of ANYONE who can ever live with this kind of shit on their own conscience.
i kowtow to you officially. you've won. you've successfully broken my heart.

and yet here i am, being the same person i was 10 years ago. willing and submissive.
i'm falling into the same rut now. i SHOULD know better. but my heart says otherwise.

blame it on my own stupidity and foolishness. and i love you too much to see you suffer anymore pain and stress.

2010-11-27T21:42:00.002+08:00

Dear blog, i hereby permit you to call me a true blue hypocrite. Well, i've never been a huge fan of people pouring out their grievances and airing their dirty laundry on the Web. but i am. telling you all my shit.

humans (and by this, i literally mean EVERYONE) are naturally judgemental. and that is the same reason why i have not told anyone the truth about the situation that I am in. i crave acceptance for my actions, noble or not. but every single time i try to spill a little bit of how i'm feeling to you, i am met with, sometimes, annoyance, sometimes, a pregnant pause, and sometimes you saying that I am interrogating you. YOU honestly think i enjoy doing all this? YOU think I am just doing this damn shit to get your attention? To ENSURE that you feel guilty or whatever? (thats if its applicable) I, for one, DEFINITELY do not enjoy any single part of it. Saying or asking helps to ease part of the pain within me, and I thought, YOU of all people, would understand. From now on, i will TRY to cease saying or asking, unless i really find out some shit that would make me explode and thus, have verbal diarrhoa. MAYBE, you think I'm making a big deal out of nothing. and maybe thats true. BUT to me, its EVERYTHING. I DUN turn on the waterworks or get emotional JUST TO GET UR ATTENTION. Its because i am truly overwhelmed. i HATE crying in public. I also hate it when someone does or says things just to get ppl's sympathy.

Hiding in my own shadow is the worst. Not being able to be truthful to anyone comes a close second. i would be lying to myself if I said that i'm not afraid of ppl judging me for my actions.
Because, i know for a fact, that ppl would. and its also inevitable.
I wonder why i constantly put her and ur feelings before mine. I cant seem to bring myself to hurt either of you. Domino effect. Hurting her would push me further away from you. Hurting you would mean losing you. What does this mean for me? My happiness and feelings are no longer a consideration to you. I should have realised that long time ago. When I asked you the other day whether you would be willing to commit, I AM 100% sure you knew what my question was pointing towards. funniest thing is, you said YES. maybe it was just to entertain me or so i would be a willing pawn in this game. AND YET, the other day, you answered me that you can see nothing changing in the near future. you said you were serious. but apparently not serious enough. SO WHAT IS IT? i'm tired of trying to read your mind or understand how you feel. how would that be possible? when what you say does not measure up?

for all the times at night when you're asleep, i was constantly up, crying and then barfing. I SWEAR i did not do it on purpose. Every single time I reach for the phone, wanting to call you, I mentally kick myself to stop. Firstly, you might not have answered, secondly, you might not know what to say or do, and thirdly, whats the point of doing it? to get ur sympathy? I do not want you to do it just because you know its what I want. YOU should do it because its what you want. i cant bear to end it, you know that very well, and that is also why i choose to still be tied and hung up on this string. and also the reason why i always put ur feelings before mine. even though i know it may not be reciprocated. to you, i may just be throwing tantrums, or just burdening you further with all the shit that i constantly unload onto you.

sometimes, i feel like the girl i used to be. willing and submissive. and its scaring me. knowing that i have no backbone makes me feel powerless. no matter how i resolve to change, i don't. and sometimes, i really wish you knew how i felt and you understood. because nobody else knows..

You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.

Dr. Meredith Grey: Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me.

2010-11-13T20:38:00.002+08:00

there. i heard it straight from the horses' mouth.

i've said my piece.

here i am, foolishly working on your present. something which i started a while back. hoping that you understand how i feel. and i even checked prices this very morning, thinkin that everything would go smoothly as it had previously. i should really stop being such a pushover. naively believing what people say or do. Actions truly speak louder than words.

If you already had it in mind, why did you still talk about the trip or about koh samui? isn't that false hope? whats the point of saying that you would try to arrange something when you had planned the ending in your mind? and even when i offered to sponsor, you never objected or said anything.

i actually planned to pop the big question since it has been lingering in my mind. and you previously mentioned you were waitin for "the girl" who called you to ask in person.

interestingly, you were the one who told me i had more confidence now as compared to before. well. the very same person shattered it. you say its difficult for you. seriously, it was easy for you to come to a decision so quickly. how difficult could it be?
this is the one time which led me to have expectations and to really go for what i wanted to attain or achieve. you made me believe in forever. but apparently your forever never included me.

on a side note, i'm 45kg. WHERE DID MY OTHER 5 KG GO TO? time to spam buffets. I swear I did not even TRY to lose weight. I was perfectly happy with my 49/50kg.

i am drained. energy sucked out of me. extreme happiness and sadness.
to say i'm devastated is an understatement.

wow, to think that i was cynical before, now its gonna be worse.

SERIOUSLY i dunno how much worse it can get. time for some mental preparation.

2010-11-13T02:02:00.002+08:00

you probably think that this should be easy for me. i mean, after all, i've given you up 3 times over, what's a 4th? surprisingly...this was the hardest. i wish i could say its easy, but whats the point of lying to myself. the opinion that truly matters is my own.

here i am, foolishly thinking about the future, making plans on how to spend time together, hoping that you would appreciate me a bit more. and hoping that you would have more courage to come clean. i was wrong. on so many levels. i guess i had a part to play too, if i wasn't so selective about what i chose to believe in.
was i really so foolishly blind for 2 months? the answer was right in front of me but i chose to ignore it. coupled with all ur words and actions. did they even count for anything? you tell me i'm the love of your life, and that i was always at the back of ur mind. seriously? seriously???
its so much easier to hurt me, since i'm not the one you choose to protect.

in the first place, i didnt expect it to start. now that it has, the ball is in ur court. even without her finding ur msges, you've made your choice. would it be any different once she saw them? ur choice would be the same, and i really would pray for you to tell me otherwise. and all i can think about now is why cant things be any different. and the only answer is this: not worth it. do not love her enough to go this extra mile for her.

if i do not bring it up, it would just be dragged on and on and you would be losing more of ur courage. i dont want to force you to admit to something that you do not wish to. i wish i could bring myself to do it, but i cant. i love you so much that it would kill me to see you disappointed in my actions. 2 months. never shed before so many tears as i have in this 2 months. pls, i'm so tired.............

i am not her, and never will be. and i hope to really find someone to love in the same way i've always loved you.

2009-04-19T22:54:00.004+08:00

here i am, giving you advice when all i can think about is that very night we spent together looking at the stars. i dont think you realise it but its all i ever think about nowadays.

2009-04-19T18:50:00.007+08:00

in some ways, i'm big on the whole romantic crap. but in all the other ways, i just want to feel happy. that day, literally on the top of the world, i felt happy. like you were my knight in shining armour, here to sweep me off my feet. sweep me off my feet, you did. and for that one day, i let all my inhibitions out the window. the way you were careful with me, how the little things seemed to matter.. it overwhelmed me.

its ALWAYS the little things that matter, always the little things that you do...not some big dinner once in 10 yrs. its the little things that matter, maybe now i hope you'll get that. its strange how both of us see our frens more often than we see each other. thats just life, holding on to life rafts that help us float along...

You were like coming up for fresh air. It's like I was drowning and you saved me. That's all I know.

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone.

2009-04-06T22:23:00.003+08:00

i guess it’s O.K. to turn into a puddle of goo since X has an exponential exorbitant melt factor.
Imperfect, but perfect- you don’t know exactly why.
just rmb that everything has to be dealt with eventually
I’m behind you so long as this is what you want <3

strangely enough, those words from my best friend, seem so damn comforting to me now. because i know that she will always support me in whatever i do, no matter how nonsensical or irrational it seems. she trusts that i know what i want. it's enough. :) met xuan that day, and it turned out to be full of laughter! listening to leann rimes while taking a crap in side-by-side cubicles, and gossiping all the way. its times like these that make me feel appreciative..

just for that moment in time when you feel the thrill, you forsake everything else, including your sanity. goes the same for everybody.

on a sidenote, i'm meeting TERENCE PANG on thurs! have not seen him since 8 yrs ago, when we were back in secondary school and squashing all the time. such a long time huh. and i also realised many many people are studying overseas, scholarship or not.

its strange how people change.

2009-04-02T20:21:00.008+08:00

first part of the year saw me going down to NUS for a few times, checking out the squash scene. Kinda long to be part of it but yet I realised that I prefer teaching in my spare time. And I became a HUGE Timbre fan! I've been bringing tons of frens there cos of the AWESOME music!
Anderson's Homecoming was good cos my class probably had the highest turnout! 11 :)
everything's so funny when they're around!

Mao came back for a while, and we Timbred SOOOOOOO much la! 3 times in a week was the record. Managed to catch Yong Hong too for a movie, been ages since I saw that guy.. Had my first Aston's meal during Benny's birthday celebration. Interestingly, bumped into Ivan too after so many years, was really glad to see him again :)
XiaoYuan was back in sg for hols and we did this whole anderson squash thingy. time flew by so fast, and i really missed those days...not the torturing during trainin mind you.

V'day felt kinda wasted to me, cos I put in quite a lot of effort for a surprise, which turned out to be redundant in the end. However, I spent half the day teaching, which was really awesome.
Met Yipeng for a few times too, we were lookin for guide books, or rather, he was helping me look... Timbre with NYP squashers and other frens was damn good la, cos we've not seen each other for ages too.

AH YES, MAMBO with Hongs and Ade and her frens! Bumped into Albert Ng, and..PUAY SENG. hahahaah, 7 years since I've seen him! The last time was Fun-O-Rama back in his ACJC days.. God, we caught up on so much when we met up for Watchmen and lunch.. Finally got to know Hazel's beau and they make a really sweet couple.

And on a side note, Liquid Kitchen along Cheong Chin Nam Road closed down. So Tong, Simon and I settled on Bojangles... Goodfellas at the Mosaic Music Festival was awesome! The 3 guitarists absolutely blew me away, esp Athif when he got off the stage and into the audience...

Finally got to meet Xuan and Joshua during Eusoff Hall's dance production. It was hilarious, and I really enjoyed myself! I had Cynthia TAN entertaining me on my left. was awfully glad to see her again!

Daniel's bash at Ritz-Carlton was nice though, Jap dinner and slacked around in his room til the next day. Supper, late night chats, and scandalous photos....

this year marked a different side of me. i'm not thinkin twice and i dont regret whatever i do. there were many mistakes that were too fun to make once. nothing can justify them though, no matter what ppl say. i should be feeling awful and all, but the thing is i don't. i dont know what to make of myself nowadays..

there's just a certain thrill in doing something you know is wrong, and the high you get when you do it..it makes you lose your senses. there's not a care in e world for you to worry about.

i've been demanding so little in my r/ship previously that now i dont ask for anything anymore. is that justified? and what are expectations? i think i need someone to tell me. cos i've lost sight of mine.

Did you know when you go it's the perfect ending
To the bad day I was just beginning
When you go all I know is you're my favourite mistake

2009-01-05T02:00:00.004+08:00

my goodness, i have not felt so relaxed for such a lonnnngggg time!
what with sleeping and waking up late, nothing to worry about, concerned about work? nahh...

this lifestyle feels soo good....

2008 ended on a good note, and starting on an even BETTER note...

2008-12-27T20:14:00.004+08:00

i think its rather strange that i'm starting to feel really homely, like seriously REALLY homely.

attica 3 weeks ago was rather good! music was superb, company was even better!
there were tons of SPGs there though..
caught 007 with gerald and simon few weeks back
Annual Prize Giving at The Rock in Suntec 2 weeks ago, went extremely well!
i was still experiencing the high from the event for a few days after that...hahaha
i was surprised to see that Mr Teo Ser Luck was pretty young!
met sean at holland v at night to catch up since he was headin to KL the next morning.

the next week saw me at zirca with some frens, and met alot of new people. zirca was alright, played a lot of strange music though...
dear brought me to jb to have dinner and we caught Ip Man too, BRILLIANT movie may i add!
squashed on sunday with YURAN! haven't seen him for YEARS LA. bumped into tons of ppl, john huiting mubin dingyong and other squashers. the jap place opposite isn't too bad!

went for church on christmas eve, loved the whole christmassy feel especially in church. sang carols, prayed for people precious to us and just had loads of fun.
slept over at xuan's and headed to church again the next morning, orchard after that with sharmaine xuan and jane. we were totally off bcos of the ATROCIOUS CROWD and tiredness. kfc definitely perked us up. we managed to get some stuff though!

being there in body and spirit made me feel so at home. all the people whom i've met over the years there, it was as though i was one of them, it was as though i have known them for years.

surprise of the year: Ying Wen! he lost SO MUCH WEIGHTTTTT!!!!!!
damn, i need to learn from him already!

its strange how it doesn't matter so much to me anymore.

I will never be the same again,
I can never return, I've closed the door.
I will walk apart, I'll run the race
And I will never be the same again.

2008-11-25T20:04:00.003+08:00

lol i was at facebook just now, and i suddenly remembered my bf saying that its a total waste of time...but i realised there are so many ppl that i've managed to contact due to facebook!
AND THEN I REMEMBERED...he reads xiaxue's blog. which i think is a total waste of time!
of all ppl, my cynical bf, reading xiaxue.
i have no idea whether he still reads it now, actually i have no idea about anything. which makes me feel damn useless.

seriously, i was at NUS sports hall that day. Once in dunno how freaking long, and pgp is like how near?! ohhh and i remembered so many of my pri sch classmates are in NUS too. currently mugging their butts off!

Tong says that its bull, and at the back of my mind, it keeps nagging at me. and i know that Tong always says it as it is.. oh well.

the one time when i needed you, all i got was an engaged tone. i guess i have to queue up then, just to hear your voice, or wait for your call. hopefully it comes soon, cos my thread's breaking.
just 10 mins, even 5.
and i'm gonna start singing avril lavigne...'is it too much that i'm askin for'

thank you, to the person who actually dropped everything he was doing, and immediately called to make sure i was fine. even though he was supposed to be sleeping.. thanks man :)

oohh mao's coming back to sg SOON! cant wait cant wait cant wait!

pretty busy preparing for annual prize givin ceremony at The Rock in Suntec, gotta dress nicely! Mr Gan's gonna have night class again at the centre, been quite a while since I last saw him!

Had dinner and drinks with Tong at Bukit Timah again last night, and pooled. i'm really quite horrible at pool now.. hahaha i remember how serious an activity it was for all of us back then!

i hope the chiang mai trip falls through, cos i'll be with my favourite people!

PSLE results were quite good actually! It was a flurry of excitement for the teachers that day, finding out who scored what..who's gonna be applyin for what school..
and i realised i'm emotionally involved, maybe it's just me.

watched City of Angels the previous day, and it was surprisingly good! never been a big fan of Nicolas Cage, and doubted his chemistry with Meg Ryan. but he was really earnest and the whole show was really really great. Amazing soundtrack to boot! never knew what the song Iris was about until I watched it..

And I'd give up forever to touch you,
Cause I know that you feel me somehow.
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be,
And I don't want to go home right now.

And all I can taste is this moment,
And all I can breathe is your life,
And sooner or later it's over,
I just don't want to miss you tonight.

And I don't want the world to see me,
Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming,
Or the moment of the truth in your lies.
When everything feels like the movies,
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive.

Cassiel: If you knew what was going to happen, would you still have done it? Was it worth it?
Seth: I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.

It's good to be scared. It means you still have something to lose.

the thing i'm most afraid of?
that you'll stop needing me.

2008-11-11T21:41:00.003+08:00

i really must blog about Timbre!!
was there with xuan cos i'm crazy about the Goodfellas and i wanted to spread the lurrveee.
there was cheap entertainment in the end though. 2 half naked guys saboed to dance on stage which was actually HILARIOUS!
we talked about sooo many things, as usual, we NEVER seem to run out of things to say.

i loveyou bestie for everythinn too :D (and yes WE know who has the nicest eyes huh)
definitely not ROBERT! HAHA!

the band was awesome, as usual, wonderin when i'll get bored of them though.
the way they started off the first set was superb cos they played Queen's Under Pressure!!!
Ade dedicated Hinder's Lips of an Angel for me tooo!
thanks BABE muahs.
omg the zuobo guy really sang the song very very well, very sexy tone and everything.
and of cors, i must mention the underdog. the floppy-haired guitarist. hahaa.

so it was quite an eventful week, celebrated my nephew's first birthday at Hot Stones in Clarke Quay. GOOD FOOD i must say!
we grilled our own raw meat on a slab of stone which was placed in the oven beforehand. interestin stuff! although grilled salmon will NEVER taste as good as raw salmon!

surprised hongyu at her place last night, soooo glad she liked it man!
happy birthday again babe!

meetin xuan on thurs again, and hopefully cherps during the weekend though.
and i am beginning tuition AGAIN.
just when i thought i could rest since the PSLE and O lvls are over and done with....

MAO 16 more days!!! GET UR BUTT BACK IN SG NOW!!!!
:D

2008-10-26T16:37:00.003+08:00

been quite a fulfilling week i must say. dinner at awesome MODESTO'S on MONDAY with xuan, and crepes at marche after that. been good catching up and everything.
we really do love 'robert'. :D

met tong gerald and simon at liquid kitchen on tues, supposedly for drinks, but we ended up at sakae in sentosa for dinner, drinks at cafe del mar! we walked along e shore and sat at the jetty-like thingy. tong & i dipped our feet in while simon didn't even sit down, although he got kinda high, and started dancing and twirling me around til i got giddy. the ambience was great, i didn't really quite like having to wait for seats and curse ppl when they take really LONG to eat.
Sentosa's like a ghost town on weekdays though. only the tourists hanging around. wonder how it would look like after everything is done up. had an Irish Car Bomb, which unfortunately tasted like half-hearted root beer to tong and gerald, whatever that tastes like.

after hearing so MUCH about the Goodfellas, i just had to go and listen to them. So, listen to them i did! thurs was cool cos we got good seats, good pizza and GOOD MUSIC!!!!!
they had a sense of humour to boot.

caught up with simon and jin on fri. was really good just chillin and talkin about everything under the sun. my multiple screamin orgasm drink was very good, anything with BAILEY'S IS GOOD LA! jin dropped me off at indo, and had 5 shots (2 were complimentary though) and was just plain tired. but Taboo after that with Hongs & John was quite fun! zac got owned i must say...
stayed over at hongs' and left for home at around 11+ the next morning. smokey's getting fatter, it might be the fur ahah.

when i got home, i heard about it frm my bf and i felt really helpless. i wish i was there for him.. but oh well. thank you to the ppl who listened. :) moto gave me new names for my bunnies, rabidoff 3000 and wolfgang. i told him the names sound like they're on drugs! rabidoff 3000 sounds cool hahaha.

met simon gerald and tong at dover for dinner, then off to liquid kitchen! we've seen each other grow up and i cant believe we're talkin about jobs and the economy. shows how far we've come!
played pool, then tong & i headed to liquid kitchen again (the ppl definitely recognised tong) and just talked. these are the people who know me very well, and i take their advice very seriously. sometimes we don't meet for quite a well, but when we do, things are still the same between all of us. very very glad.
sooo... to sum it up, simon tong and xuan told me the same thing.

somewhere in my heart i'm always,
dancin with you in the summer rain.

2008-10-19T19:22:00.003+08:00

sorry haven't blogged in a while...
its actually been a great yr, i have a great job and i really really love teaching.

and i'm still very very vexed about the same thing though.
went for wala 2 weeks back and i really love UnXpected! awesome music!
tried German food at Baden at Holland V on the same day..better than expected!
met Simon n Jin last week in town, had Ambush (as usual) :D
ate at Curry Favour with the peeps on Wed! so good!
met xuan on fri and introduced her to CURRY FAVOUR! we had the brownie + fudge cake + ice cream dessert! so damn sinful...
headed to Ice Cold to grab some Hoegarden for myself, and Beck's for her. got the discount cos the guy serving us was too nice!

went on a DVD marathon man, caught Hairspray yday, The Break-Up, RainMan & Message in a bottle today! love sappy shows.. Rainman wasnt as good as I Am Sam though.
Or maybe I'm just biased towards Sean Penn! :D

and i just contacted cher han again! didn't hear his voice since like Primary 3 way back in Northland Pri! meetin up for dinner & drinks soon!

just made an overseas call and talked for like 20 mins. put a smile on my face. reassurance.

is it strange that i can still feel the warm grip of ur arms on my shoulders, still see the crooked smile that you always give, still laugh and smile to myself when i heard ur surprised voice?
its really really odd that i remember, that every single thing is at the tip of my fingers...
and the 2 exact words that i said that day, 'save me'
i shall say it again, to myself.

Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

But nothing's greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I'm going crazy
Maybe, maybe

2008-08-25T21:52:00.002+08:00

events that have happened since august 1st

-cimb women's finals
-nicol david played udai singh
-headed to joe's at 11+ at night becos of his CATS!
-met simon and meng for tea on the 10th of August, went everyone at Ikea for dinner, had ice cream for supper and LOTS OF YOUTUBING!
-addie's birthday party at Taboo where everyone was literally gone.
-headed to Jason's on 15th August, his birthday! Played circle of death AGAIN!
-on the 16th, met mum and sis for japanese cuisine at JP, dinner at Spizza where the service was HORRIBLE!
-Stephen surprised me by calling me from his home on the 17th of August! i didn't even know he came back to singapore!
-met Xuan at vivo for dinner and shopping on the 18th. slept at her hall that night. caught up on so many things... :D
-was sick that week, so was on mc on the 20th. met stephen for japanese cuisine for dinner!
-on the 22nd of August, met simon and meng for fireworks at esplanade! AWESOME STUFF!
headed to indo as usual, ate at maxwell, then bunked at jason's for like the 1000th time..
-23rd of August, had parent-teacher meetin at work..so had to get up at 820. could have died la seriously. met hongs to eat at anchorpoint with the rest. we shisha-ed at night at arab st.. lol. i'm officially the laughin stock of shisha! played circle of death again cos zac's crazy about the game ever since he rocked as Question Master!
-had bunny groomin session, then squash at anchorage and lastly, dinner!

i freakin choked when i shisha-ed okayy, both zac and zareth were teaching me step by step.. i think i need the dummy's guide already =/
its damn funny la, had so much fun with everyone. SALAD FINGERS!

i'm dead tired honestly, but i'm damn happy about some recent events which have lifted my spirits to a whole new level!

time to sleep. SOON!

I believe that, we can be extraordinary together rather than ordinary apart

2008-08-01T00:18:00.002+08:00

you know, sometimes i feel like crap.
bcos the main problem is, i cant control my emotions. and its scary every single time i think about it. NEVER happened before.

maybe its because i just want more affection from you.
and every single time, i feel overwhelmed by everything else around me.

feel quite horrible.

You took your coat off and stood in the rain
You're always crazy like that
And I watched from my window
Always felt I was outside looking in on you

You're always the mysterious one with dark eyes and careless hair
You were fashionably sensitive, but too cool to care
You stood in my doorway, with nothing to say
Besides some comments on the weather

Well in case you failed to notice, in case you failed to see
This is my heart bleeding before you, this is me down on my knees

These foolish games are tearing me apart
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart
You're breaking my heart

You're always brilliant in morning
Smoking your cigarettes and talking over coffee
Your philosophies on art, Baroque moved
Do you loved Mozart and you'd speak of your loved ones
As I clumsily strummed my guitar

Well excuse me, cause I've mistaken you for somebody else
Somebody who gave a damn, somebody more like myself
These foolish games are tearing me,
You're tearing me, you're tearing me apart
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart
You're breaking my heart

You took off your coat and stood in the rain
You were always crazy like that

and here i am, sitting in the comfort of my room, after a fabulous night.
but why am i crying my heart out?

2008-07-24T00:18:00.002+08:00

hongs told me that i seldom gush about people. i didn't realise until she told me.
seriously, i've never been vaguely side-tracked/distracted in this way before. NEVER.
and i cant help but wonder why.
breath of fresh air, maybe?

this MUST stop! -tries to brainwash self-

i cant help but be pulled back into the sense of comfort, that feeling of security, becos though it seems like i may falter anytime, the arm will always lift me back up.

2008-07-22T22:17:00.004+08:00

caught Batman with Jeff Simon & Gerald over the weekend, before Simon left for his...eagerly-awaited hongkong trip.
Batman was great probably cos i didn't have high expectations. Ironman was different la...didn't like it much, too much hype surrounded the show and everything.
Talked to Simon, told him soo much within those few minutes we spent milling around lookin for cakes and savouring ice cream..
Lets just say.. it happens even to the best of us.
this week has been kinda lacklustre, as compared to last. i laughed so MUCH last week, that i wasn't used to being quiet and mellow and stuff.

weekend at Meritus Mandarin was awfully relaxing i must admit. i didn't think about anything at all. just had the time for ourselves. cleared my mind of alot of stuff seriously. bought 4 assorted cakes at canele and a rose. been quite a while since i indulged like that..
headed out to play pool for a while at..guess where! MONSTERCUE. HAHAHAHA.
i think the last time i went there was at least 4 yrs ago. SO LONG AGO!
so we took a nice stroll down orchard road, visited the shophouses behind Rouge at Centrepoint. Quaint in a way...
Top of the M is replaced by Chatterbox Coffeehouse, which serves daily breakfast for tourists, or in my case, hotel-stayers. Kinda missed the revolving restaurant thingy though. I remember musicians coming to each table, asking for dedications and they'll play right at your table for you. THAT was brilliant. love it love it LOVE IT.
Walked around Orchard & Suntec for a while, and decided on having dinner at Imperial Treasure. Not bad, although i can't tell the difference between good and bad chinese food. That shows how much of a food critic i am huh.
Another great weekend!

i just love to feel the comfort and warmth radiating from people around me. makes me very satisfied and at ease. love the feeling.

after a good night's rest, i woke up clearer today. its like you kept clouding my thoughts, and suddenly its sunshine after the rain. cliche but yes..

I believe that, we can be extraordinary together rather than ordinary apart

2008-07-16T14:23:00.005+08:00

its been a whirlwind of a week.
monday was dinner at sushi tei in holland v with jeff marcus & simon.
i have not seen jeff for really long!
tuesday was the norm, tuition til 9.
wednesday.. had dinner with hongs at crystal jade in holland v and pool til late with tong simon jeff gerald and josh ee. reminded me of the times we pooled endlessly at safra bukit merah and mambo billiards. it was hilarious man. we used to be really good at pool actually. due to a few years of non-practice, everything went down the drain!
thurs, tuition again
friday was a blast man! drinks at indochine along club st with the usual ppl, with brian (jason's bro) and motohide (jason's fren from dunno how freakin long ago) joe was quite gone so he didn't join us when we went Tabs. Taboo was fun although it kinda freaked Brian out man. Moto was cool although he got groped by a few peeps.
was so tired that the girls went straight home without supper. i had creative writing the next day man!

so sat, after work, i headed home to get some shut-eye.. slept for 2 or 3 hours then headed out to Vivo. met hongs on the bus, we were STARVING. met Jason's sis, Debra, and Moto's brother, Kimi. I swear Kimi has the nicest hair. NATURAL. really straight and shiny and everything. had spizza for dinner, and the Ursula pizza we ordered was great! had salmon and stuff. grabbed sashimi after that from cold storage. headed to cafe del mar in sentosa after that to chill. serena joined us after a while. tried a lot of new stuff man, Jagerbomb was good! probably because there was red bull in it. i'm still a sucker for shooters. :)
i died when jason and moto started singing and strumming imaginary guitars. they could harmonise really well! surprising though. i've never heard my guy frens sing, so it was cool.
i think hongs and ser were quite appalled when we started singing and humming bubblegum pop tunes, m2m..the corrs... the list goes on and on.
headed home again in the early morning with hongs, taxi fares killed me.

managed to sleep in on sunday morning, although my relatives woke me up with the ruckus they were making at my place. yawn. met my bf in school for a while, before heading down to town to meet hongs jason moto and brian. dahui surprised hongs when he showed up in town :) wanted to head to ice cold for hoegarden but it was CLOSED. so walked down to Timbre where there was a really cool live band! hongs and dahui left first, then sabrina. so i was in 2 minds about whether i shud head on home, or head to jason's place. decided on the latter.

we played this really cool card game, Circle of Death. it sounds really morbid and everything but it actually isn't! we get to make rules and sabo people. DAMN FUNNY LA. Debra was killing people when she was the snake-eye. was difficult to avoid her gaze cos she was in front of me! Kimi killed us when he was the question master... alot of "maybe?" "right?" and "yes sir?" super funny man. When Kimi was also the thumb master, i think everyone died man. he was so sneaky with it! moto and i got caught so many times! Moto was tryin to catch me when he was the snake eye, but i tried not to turn to my right man. could have died. so we saved each other's ass on Monday night man. thank GOD.

the funniest was when Kimi got the category card, and he chose birds. so it went on and then it was Moto's turn. he had this panic-stricken look on his face, put his hands up to show a bird flyin, and said "jeem". it means "bird" in Vietnamese man! we almost died laughing! its gonna be a legend..every single time i think about it i crack up! Jason killed me when it was random word time. he said syphilis, and i started laughing i couldn't think of anything! SERIOUSLY SYPHILIS! had so much fun ... everytime i got asked a question by the question master, i'll just ask "what did you have for lunch?" it was so random it was funny!
but Joe's line of "where is george bush" was totally retarded!
Brian and John kept getting pwned due to Brian's rule of no swear words. really funny man John's expression. There was so much funny stuff that happened throughout all 4 nights..

before i got into the cab, he kept telling me that i'll be fine. think i was too worried. he told me that i shouldn't worry too much. somehow, it was really comforting.
too many things that i wanna say here...but i can't. maybe i don't even know what to say..

i just know the last five days were AWESOME.

2008-06-22T19:37:00.003+08:00

in the short span of 2 weeks, i've laughed like i've never laughed before, smiled at least a thousand times, had so much fun that i couldn't remember what i was worrying about.
everything just flew out the window..

hmm met simon and gerald at vivo for jap dinner. ikea with hongs and adelyn. jason's place with EVERYONE!
saw them play a game called "big fish small fish" in the swimming pool! lol it was hilarious! john kept saying that he couldn't see their actions properly because they kept gesturing with their hands partially-submerged in the water! Headed to Taboo after that. I've not gone there for a very long time. and too bad we didn't see the Queen of all Queens, Addie Low. The music was good, company was EVEN BETTER! had the usual Maxwell supper/breakfast after that.
met them again the next day for dinner and drinks at vivo. drove us down to The Villa Bali to chill and talk. the ambience of that place was AMAZING. very relaxing.

so that was one eventful weekend spent. OH and i headed down to NUS to watch the guys in some squash action! saw Tong Gerald Fabien and even PAUL HO and SEAN ANG!
wad a pleasant surprise :) Paul is still very youthful-looking.

attended Air Supply's concert last night with Sean at Expo. it was exhilarating!
everyone was on their feet, dancing and swaying along to their hits. Sean & I were no exception!
It was during Goodbye that the crowd went wild, and we were singing our hearts out with them.
but we seriously went crazy during the last song, Making Love Out Of Nothing At All... sang every lyric, even the repetitive ones.... We didn't care whether we were on-key or not, we just sang! It was awfully romantic, saw many couples there having the time of their life!
I felt great, because I had excellent company, who fortunately enjoys the same kind of music as I do, and will ALWAYS be the person I fall back on. No words can describe the feeling I had during the concert. Oh, and for the encore, they played All Out Of Love! a really extended version, almost 8 mins long..
ended the concert on such a high note that everyone couldn't stop chattering about it.

so off i went to Club St to meet the usual gang at Indochine. Nice ambience too, although it was a bit strange that it wasn't crowded on a Sat night.. We could barely pronounce the dishes on the menu cos they were all in Vietnamese or something. Talked a bit, everyone got jacked a bit, laughed a LOT, and made me forget an incident which I was brooding over..
and i realised, all of us couldn't sing chinese songs for nuts! Joe Jason Adelyn & I sang Tong Hua, and it was......erm..nvm. The funniest would be when Joe had his actions to go along for the various songs and he would just shake and sway! night was full of laughs, haven't had such fun in a very long time..

half a year has gone by, and the Air Supply gig caps off my 4th concert this yr.
Jeff Chang, KT Tunstall, Elton John, Air Supply.
one thing in common for the veterans, they KNEW HOW TO WORK THE CROWD MAN!
I think KT was banging on the well-i-can-play-an-instrument-and-sing factor. hers was good, but not spectacular like the rest!

I've ALWAYS been a HUGE fan of Jeff Chang, so I sang along to 9/10 of his songs. Still has a great voice for his age! Elton John was excellent too, none of those crazy get-ups or crazy antics, just sat at the piano, danced a bit, played and sang his heart out. Amazing for someone who's in his 60s! Daniel, Sacrifice, Bennie & the Jets, Saturday Night's Alright, Candle In The Wind, Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me.. the list goes on and on.. his solo pieces on the piano were breathtaking. his short and stubby fingers were deft, in all seriousness.
Air Supply was great, they came down, walked to the crowd and sang while playing the guitar, had the right lighting for the different songs.. and the placing of Making Love Out Of Nothing At All as the last song got a PHENOMENAL response from the already-enthusiastic crowd. Sean was video-ing most of the songs on his hp, i recorded some too. All Out Of Love as an encore was UNBELIEVABLE too, it gave me a feeling that this would be their last concert in Singapore, since they're already quite old, but still have that kind of youthful energy and stage presence which is not evident in some of the younger performers.

I'm not really bothered with Euro 08 though, i dont know why..
i guess maybe the fact that Man Utd ended the season with a Premiership & a Champions League Double was enough to leave my soccer mood on an extremely high note.
didn't want anything to dampen my spirits.. and looking at the way things are going, it seems like people left, right & centre are cheering me up. oh, and Xuan's back! one more thing to look forward to!

my bf wrote a list about stuff I needed to bring for my holiday, i really didn't even let the holiday-mood affect me at all. it's a great escape, but the problem is, it's an escape with people i'm not awfully close to. It's my bf's comfort zone, because it's definitely not mine. his friends are my friends, by proxy. i tried getting my friends to go along though, but they said they didn't want to feel awkward since they didn't know most of the people who were going.

Tong was asking me about my trip, so i told him about the outcome of the supposed holiday which i wanted. And he said something which struck me really hard..
"Lena, knowing you, you would probably just say 'oh ok, then nvm lor' "
THAT, is so true. And apparently, what girls think are important to them, may not always be as important to guys.

cause everything i own, well its nothing til i give it to you

making love..out of nothing at all.

2008-05-26T19:56:00.002+08:00

i started thinking about Coco, and started tearing unknowingly.

I somehow wish Xuan wasn't so far away... cos she's the first person i would call, first shoulder i would cry on, and also cos she knows exactly what i'm feeling..

yea, Coco isn't my dog, but i've grown so emotionally attached to her these 6 years that i feel like i know her. How she comes bounding up to me and licks my face every single time i visit. She would lie on the floor and wait for me to scratch her tummy.

It was really sad, the day she changed owner. She was tearing the entire journey in the van. It was so damn heartbreaking i swear.

Anyway, school holidays are here! Its busier here than Santa Claus during Christmas, seriously!
Ended up with a headache just before I left. Popped a Panadol Extra and headed home.. My bf doesn't approve of medicines, he prefers...the self-cure. haha. Apparently, my threshold for pain isn't as high as his.

Celebrated my mum's belated birthday and mother's day yesterday! Had chilli crab, johnson duck, homecooked dishes AND ICE CREAM CAKE! :)

I still feel the high from Man Utd winning the DOUBLE! FERGUSON IS AMAZING!!

Clay Aiken's album is on shuffle & repeat mode. Can't get enough of that angelic voice.
One of my students says the sweetest things, and he/she cheers me up every single day! Especially when I get so frustrated and flustered, it's a good distraction.

Mdm Heng asked me before, whether I felt a bit paranoid or scared about settling down since my parents divorced, and my dad remarried. Whether the whole experience unravelling before me would turn me off a little bit.
I was thinking then I realised that yea, it does..a little i guess. just to a certain extent.
But I feel even more determined that I should make my own happy ending. that some things can be controlled, some things are within our grasp. i don't know what to make of the word "fate" sometimes.

Meredith: [voiceover] At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. Its like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And its not so important, happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you, and once in a while people may even take your breath away.

2008-05-20T23:06:00.003+08:00

http://alv87.blogspot.com/2005/01/ping-but-1-thing-im-sure-i-really-miss.html
http://alv87.blogspot.com/2004/11/lovely-lena-and-jinxy-josephine-ooh.html
http://alv87.blogspot.com/2004/10/my-life.html

wah lau. made me cry la shit. i nver knew all this while. i just kept thinkin that i was a pest to you, and that i didn't mean as much to you as you did to me. even when you wished me luck with ivan then.

on a happier note, i went back to anderson. talked to so many teachers! Mdm Wong, Mr Ow, Mr Ang, Mdm Lim, Mr Ng, Mdm Hee, Miss Thoo, Mdm Liau, Mdm Tey.... mrs ashari was busy so i didnt manage to talk to her...

managed to get Mr Ow first, so he updated me on changes in e school since i've left...5 years ago. LOL. and so we saw this lady approach some students with an extremely fierce look on her face. so i casually asked Mr Ow, "wah she look so fierce..."
AND SHE TURNED OUT TO BE THE NEW PRINCIPAL! apparently Mrs Tan Wai Lan is Deputy Director in MOE now, along with Mrs Chan Khah Gek.

we caught up on so much! however, there were TONS of new and young teachers! even the canteen vendors didn't change much, and they recognised me! awfully nice place, with a hell lot of memories.. i was trying to get Mr Ang Mrs Ashari n Mdm Hee tru intercom, then mdm hee popped up! omg, the look on her face was PRICELESS I SWEAR! she glanced past me then she took a double take, and she couldn't remember what she was talkin to someone else about.
my squash teacher in charge, and my maths teacher. one of my dearest teachers..
and then Mdm Lim walked past and she joined in the fun. updated them about my classmates' status...
Mr Ang (he gained a bit of weight, Doreen Lim must be feeding him tons.) came over, so it was like a small gathering of teachers.. he told me about wad happened to Ridwan, and we felt sad over our classmates' deaths, and someone else from the Express Stream passed away recently too. I have always missed Anderson, until I finally found time to go back and reminisce about those times. Mr Ang suddenly mentioned Doreen Lim, his wife, and i was abit dumbstruck, cos we always talked about it but we didn't ask him upfront. I mean, come on, he's the Discipline Master! so i was like speechless for quite a while. He was never a DM during Physics Lessons. That's what i admire so much about him. I remember how i would ask him frequently last time, "Ho Bo?" it meant "Feeling good?" then he would reply that everytime he saw me he would get a tummy ache! and he replied in Hokkien. -_- IMAGINE UR DISCIPLINE MASTER SAYING IT!
caught up on so much, and i realised i really miss mr ang's lame jokes! to me, he'll never be the Discipline Master 100%. he's still my lame and crappy Physics teacher.

i met Mdm Wong too, and she told me so much about her children, and her children's friends.
I quote, "those little rascals". So much encouragement from all of them, really glad for it cos i have been feeling a bit demoralised these days due to certain issues in my personal life and at work too. and so Mdm Wong brought up Alvin, which led me to his blog, and find his....entries dated oh-so-long ago. made me realise that i mattered to people, even though it may be long ago.
there was once in Sec 5, Alvin was patrolling the corridor along the 4th floor. There were some boys playing soccer and Alvin told them to stop. They refused, but they promised they wouldn't hurt anyone. I never liked ball games, except squash la of cors. So when i walked past them i kept as close to the side as possible. Suddenly, the ball hit the side of my face, near the eye. My specs flew dunno how many damn metres and i almost fainted la.
Thank goodness i wasn't wearing contact lens that day. New specs though. =/

The guy was so apologetic he wrote a letter to both Alvin and me. Paid me back too. I remember washin my eye for like 10 mins then i went back to class. I was crying bcos i was hit at the sensitive area. Didn't cry due to pain though. So my classmate wanted to help me down to the sick bay, LOL i think i looked about ready to pass out any moment. Leon comes up the stairs, looks at the damsel-in-distress, rushed into class to put his bag down, came out, took me by the shoulders and helped me down the stairs. I suspect my frens were afraid I would faint or something. HAHA. it was quite funny seriously. But Leon had a firm grip, so i was quite stable. It would be quite a scene if i fell flat on my face. Until now, I have never forgotten it. Bcos for the first time, I felt like someone swept me off my feet. CHIVALRY.

So my classmates brought my bag down, and came after class. I was damn scared, i kept crying and crying. It was so painful i couldn't take it. I thought i would go blind la seriously. Alvin told me it would all be ok, and he brought me to the doctor, sheltered me using his umbrella all the way cos I feel even more pain when i was in contact with direct sunlight.

Turns out my cornea was scratched damn badly. I dunno whether there's still a scar there now, but it was one hell of an experience. I covered up for my fren, saying I knocked into e locker door. Major Chong must have had his doubts... :)

my best friends, i knew them through anderson. even the sweetest people, most giving ppl i know come from there.

so many memories in Anderson. too many to count. even after graduation. chemistry strikes in places when you least expect it :)

THANK YOU!

2008-01-09T20:19:00.000+08:00

its been a mad mad week.
sadly, when i just getting the hang of things at my current workplace, they wanna transfer me over to some other branch because they are short of staff.
i really love my classes, especially my pri 6 class. Although i only take them for one session a week, i've grown emotionally attached to them.
Of course, and my Pri 5 class too. See them everyday.
all of them are loads of fun.
Sigh. Now i have to learn all over again. looks like i have to treasure my last 2 days here...
was talking to Mr Gan just now, he's the Maths teacher for pri 6, he was so nice and welcoming and everything! apparently, he heard about me frm HQ or something, and i asked him for tips on delivering of lessons and interacting with students. very inspired by him. indeed.
he even gave me his name card, told me to give him a call if anything.

on a different note, i went down to NUS yesterday for the IVP. love the overall atmosphere!
i never really lost sight of squash even though i was extremely busy.
met swong, onny, and so many other ppl! and of cors, the NUS team was really nice too. :)
hear that, SEAN? LOL. i just had to do that!
great job, really!

so here i am, disappointed with a lot of shit, taking it all in. and im doing OT just to mark my papers.
thank YOU for standing up for me. it feels great to know that people do care.

damn, im missing my students already. :(

2007-12-30T19:13:00.000+08:00

i love christmas. it gives me the whole.........christmassy feel. for lack of a better word.
i love presents, and the atmosphere at church. i think its splendid, the way churches decorate and do up every corner. i sing along to the christmas carols with alot of enthusiasm, because it gives me a very good feeling, as though i do it every single week or something.

i caught I Am Legend with Matthew and Xuan right after the clock struck twelve. the show sucked by the way. i was a bit scared after the show, as i was heading home at 3am, it was so quiet and lonely downstairs. I was also feeling a tad jittery, nerves i guess.

met Tong, Gerald and Simon on Christmas day for dinner, at PS Cafe along Dempsey. the place was pretty hard to find though. apparently spaghetti was horrible, and fries were mediocre. but it was still good fun. oh well.
haven't seen them for so long..Simon and Gerald have not changed at all, but Tong's hair........oh well. It's Tong, so what can i say.

Went for a little swim on Sat in school, the temp of the water was JUST RIGHT!
love the feel of water on my skin, and the fact that i don't perspire.
ok i mean i do, but it just gets washed off....squash gives me a different kind of feeling.
the way you keep rallying and running rallying and running...different man different.

met sean at clarke quay for dinner and drinks! or should i say, a light snack. well, not so light.
Hooters is one hell of a place seriously, but the hoegarden was DAMN GOOD. i love the taste of it! it doesn't have an aftertaste, thank goodness.
we've been like, best friends for 9 years. 9 bloody long years.

sean, we've really REALLY come a long way. :)
thank you.

met astley on sunday too, went for a quick lunch with him weijiang yingying and kp.

so the last day of 2007 came and gone, quicker than anything else. i CLEARLY remember the previous year's New Year's Eve, was watching fireworks with Weiren Simon and Gerald.
its still so vivid in my mind.. how can a year pass just like that..

so back to yesterday, Simon brought me to his friend's party in Dover Parkview.
FYI, its a lesbian party. EVERYONE was VERY SPORTING!
there was a bit of flashing, just ONE "stripper", a bit of french kissing, and a WHOLE LOT OF DANCING. me included.
i'll just leave it at that.
Simon and I then headed down to Clarke Quay to meet Gerald and Marcus. We thought there was gonna be some...spectacular event at the river, since everyone had their eyes trained on it.
We just heard fireworks in e distance, no countdown at all. Disappointing.
but oh well, we went there to chill, so chill we did.

We stole a table at Brewerkz. well, kind of. Drank the raspberry ale thingy, which wasn't bad at all! Played the stupid five-ten game too. Tong made his EXPENSIVE way down, via cab. 30 bucks. crazy jam. cost him so much. So off we walked. All the way to Bugis, cos Gerald couldn't get a parking in Clarke Quay. Drove down to the 24-hr Coffee Club, and obviously we sat at the smoking area. YA. it was damn funny la, all the crude jokes and witty comments.

So glad I managed to meet many of my frens during the holiday period. Adelyn and Hongyue at Greenwood Ave for a girls night out together with superb pizza the other week. Xuan at church christmas gathering. Sean at Hooters. Gerald Simon Tong during Christmas, together with Marcus during New Year..great way to cap off 2007. really happy.

anyway, i just realised there were more skeletons in my closet than i know of, or rather I wish i didn't remember them. we all have secrets. we all have more secrets than we actually know or remember, because there are always the secrets that we forget because they are too painful for us to remember..

Meredith (Voiceover) : Secrets can't hide in science. Medicine has a way of exposing lies. Within the walls of the hospital, the truth is stripped bare. How we keep our secrets outside the hospital – well, that’s a little different. One thing is certain, whatever it is we're trying to hide; we're never ready for that moment when the truth gets naked. That's the problem with secrets – like misery, they love company. They pile up and up until they take over everything, until you don't have room for anything else, until you're so full of secrets you feel like you're going to burst.

Thank you everyone, for giving me such a brilliant year.
Pictures will be up soon!

Sms of the day:

Tong - "Motherfuckin jam motherfuckin exp"

LOL. 4 words which best describe how we all feel about the hike in taxi fares. fucking exp.

this is my heart bleeding before you, this is me down on my knees..

2007-12-24T17:30:00.000+08:00

maybe its just me n my paranoia acting up again.
but the stupid officer just wont call me. HASNT CALLED ME for like 4 weeks. almost a month

WEIRD RITE. nvm. anyway, i realised i haven't been to east coast for so long that the entire place looks totally new to me... im so cut off from the east..

sigh. thanks for comforting me anyway.

2007-12-21T16:51:00.000+08:00

11 Most Influential Men of 2007
Mark Zuckerberg; © Kimberly White/Corbis
Mark Zuckerberg

For a guy with prestigious pedigree (Phillips Academy, Harvard University), a knack for creating killer apps, and a reported street value of $15 billion, Mark Zuckerberg isn't out for a quick buck. Maybe that's why facebook.com, his baby, has nearly half the country hooked and the Palo Alto company swimming in $100 million projected revenue for the year. Say what? You don't have a Facebook page? Sorry, can't talk to you. Too busy super poking and throwing sheep at friends I haven't talked to in years.

wasn't that paragraph really hilarious?!

yea, the guy looked like someone who invented facebook, maybe his father had a hand in the World Wide Web or something, but i mean, he's the FACEBOOK GUY!

he wears slippers to boot! such a down-to-earth looking person honestly.

come on, who hasn't thrown a sheep or something along those lines?!

love facebook y'all!

i also like marc jacobs, i don't know why...

i just have a thing for geeky specky types.

and maybe grey-haired charismatic reporters..since i also think Anderson Cooper's just oh-so-BRILLIANT. :)

2007-12-21T01:34:00.000+08:00

fate, stop playing me around like a puppet on your long dangling strings..

deja vu. honestly deja vu.

i never knew i could feel this way.
like, i want to be happy for you, but i cant seem to be.
i wish i didn't feel like that, because its selfish, and the last thing i would wanna be is selfish.

2007-12-17T03:12:00.000+08:00

i was reminiscing about the good old sec sch days. what triggered this was when i grew bored, and decided to flip through my prom photos.

and i realised one thing, i have not done anything to my hair in my 21 years!
besides the one-time-styling(which was disastrous by the way), i just kept trimming it over the years and then just kept it long when i felt like it... til i grew tired of tying up my messy hair and decided to snip it all off for a tomboyish hairstyle.

been there, done that. my locks were rather priceless to me in poly yr 1, since it was awfully long and brownish-black. (i used to swim, didn't dye my hair even once!)
short long short long short long... an endless cycle.

never dyed, never permed, never rebonded, and yet my hair's disgustingly dry and a tad frizzy.
i wonder why..
i actually mentioned going for soft rebonding, but my bf retorted, 'huh do for what'
LOL. interesting answer. so..screw that idea lor.
au naturale is the best.

headed for a 1 day JB tour today. visited the desaru fruit farm, some store selling local products, a chocolate factory, an ostrich farm, and saw fireflies during a boat ride at night.
pretty much worth the 60 bucks! the travelling killed me in all honesty..was dead beat by the time we reached our sunny little island.
did you know that an ostrich's neck feels like a carpet? i love the feeling! i was stroking an ostrich for like 10 mins. and it didn't twitch at all. of course, it towered over me but it didn't even attempt to peck at my head with its toothless flat beak. which i am quite thankful for. i would have freaked out if it did that!

i am going for a guitar performance in school, since i bumped into a fren on sat and he gave me a spare ticket! how lucky! honestly, i didn't know there was a performance...hahaha.
hopefully nothing crops up, and i'll be able to treat myself to a classical performance.
haven't attended anything like this since NUS's piano ensemble, and then Dance Reflections. both with SEAN ANG SHI RONG, who is an $&%(@$()% because he is busy training like every other day! stop being so enthusiastic! jk pal. :)

stephen received my letter, and i'm glad he liked the friendship band i made for him! i didn't forget about it, stephen! :) skype soon?

bought tons of files to arrange all my random documents and worksheets.
have to remind myself to pack my room, wardrobe's all cleared out already!
need to hang some stuff on the wall, do some spring cleaning, change the sheets, maybe some light reading.. the list goes on... how do ppl remember these stuff!
note to self: buy one of those boards where you can tack reminders on.

Honey, my rabbit, has recovered from its sore hock already. thank goodness. worried sick.

Now who'd of ever thought that
We'd both be here tonight
And the world looks so much brighter
With you by my side..

2007-12-15T21:28:00.000+08:00

you know what's the greatest thing in the whole damn world?

knowing that your bf trusts you, that he trusts you so much he doesn't claw all over you for details about where i am, and who i am out with.
my bf has NEVER done that, so to all the skeptics out there thinking that its amazing that we have actually lasted this long, i think you guys should start talking about some other useless stuff instead of asking all this crap.
and no, we do not text or call each other every other hour/everyday.

anyway, i know weird obsessive girls read my blog, and this goes out to you.
GIVE UR BF SOME DAMN SPACE LA. YOU WANT TO SUFFOCATE HIM ISSIT.
haiyo, so many cases already. fren's bf or gf managing their email accounts, restricting him from this and that.. is this what your definition of a blissful relationship is? would you like him to stick his nose in every business of yours?!
if yes, then you're quite screwed.
and people shouldn't make promises they cant keep. I, for one, know all too well (broken and had a promise broken, both ways)

just remember: whatever doubts you have about your bf/gf, he/she is entitled to have doubts about you too. everything works both ways. just keep all ur insecurity in check please!

i am still particularly miffed that the officer and my LO AND my ex-colleagues have not even contacted me yet. how inefficient can the school get?! i mean, SERIOUSLY!

anyway, i am appalled that a supposed close fren told me to like sae something which might cause a rift between my bf and i. he thinks its ok, but no it isn't. and christians are not superstitious people.

i was at jurong point the other day, and i came across a little pigeon huddled on one of the steps leading to the mrt station from the basement POSB machines. i was pretty curious, i mean, the pigeon wasnt flinching when the crowd just went past it left,right and centre. i peered closely and i saw it had swells above both eyes, and one swell had burst, leaving a gaping crater there. one of its legs were hidden under its feathers, so i initially thought it had lost a leg.
it was a bit featherless in some areas, and it looked very very sick.
i then sat down beside it, making sure that people will not accidentally kick it in their haste. i felt very very sad when i looked at it. an uncle with boils actually told me to stay away from the pigeon because it was 'sick'.

i know it just sounds crazy la, but i sat there for an hour plus, hoping that the pigeon didn't feel alone.
many ppl walked by and the ugly side of singaporeans really came out la, so many people were gawking and pointing at it. they speak in hushed voices, and a couple even took a photo of the pigeon. singaporeans do the same for handicapped people, just that they leave the pointin out for fear of hurting the person's feelings. really sad. one couple even took a photo of its back, and went "eeee" when they saw its eyes and the swells. i really felt helpless for the pigeon.

nvm. thats about all. summed up my pretty much exciting week. :)

2007-11-26T11:39:00.000+08:00

finally. im back to this.............blogging thing. after being away for 2 bloody months.
couldn't be bothered la seriously.

anyway, i caught the amerpro finals on sat with mao. very exciting. everyone has improved so much!

anyway something happened at my company, and im like ZZZZ just thinking about it.

i just need to say one thing.
thank goodness i have a bf who will not stand by and watch while i let myself down.
thank goodness. he went down to help me "settle" with the M.D.
no, nothing violent at all. just clarification i guess.
he went through with it for me. for my sake. he was quite angry, but still managed to think rationally.

time to goooo.

2007-09-23T21:19:00.000+08:00

people come and go...
sadly, its inevitable.

sent meng off last week, sigh. one less samazozi!

and stephen left again on friday. im glad i managed to meet up with both of them before they departed.
got tons of photos, but i dont have the time/mood to upload any of them. urgh.

tuas has been my 2nd home for 3 weeks already,
its quite alright, nothing much to complain.
awfully glad that clement's quite a fun person to be with.

thank goodness i have his company!

was helpin stephen pack, or rather i was banging on the piano keys while he was packing, and we went to the chinese physician and the doctor after that.
we walked past the place where he gave me the biggest surprise of my life,
and i felt quite sad that he's leavin yet again.

haha. i remember when i was supposed to "meet his sis" to get something to pass to someone else. and he called my name and appeared!
i went hysterical, i didn't know whether i should strangle him or just jump around in glee!
remembered being so stunned after that for the whole half-hour!
just kept bouncing and shit, i was incoherent all the way though. haha!
thank you, really.

i think i've hurt a good friend, because i cant do anything about the situation he is in. i wish i could do something though.

you remind me of the smell of green grassy meadows after the rain has cleared.
and your smile, is the rainbow that lights up my life. :)

2007-08-09T12:05:00.000+08:00

i'm currently very happy!

met simon and gerald last week for a good teppenyaki dinner at wisma! it was really good!
it was a first for me though. yeaaaa. suaku la. haha.
simon intro-ed this place, Far Coast, to us and i thought it was rather quaint and cosy. they had delightful cushions everywhere! it's an excellent place to chill out.

and i went kallang to watch NICOL DAVID!!!!!!!!!!!!
omg damn high damn high damn high damn high!
and my sweet bf came down twice too! :)

nicol is superb la seriously, her shots were always well-executed, and close to the wall! her drops were amazingly low man. natalie grinham is damn fast too. nicol's fitness is much better and she is more consistent throughout the game.

finally man, got to see them in the flesh! got nicol to autograph the poster and my puma bag too.
weeeee. us girls were very silly man, going ga-ga over her musculine body and her skills!
although we had to stand, it was worth it!
oh, and astley cycled from yishun to kallang for dinner with us. seriously! madness.
met hongs and ade for squash in jjc on monday, and went out with them again on tues.
astley and hongs fren, carol, joined us too. had a helluva time in vil'age!
totally enjoyed my soft shell crab, and poor astley's seafood combo was under attack. haha.

watched a japanese drama yday in school. it was really really heartwrenching, especially when they showed the girl's portfolio. went for dinner at yishun! superb laksa mannn.

happy birthday singapore!

would be headin to geylang for korean bbq buffet tml, cant wait! :)

Derek: I came here to be chief, but Meredith complicates that.
Bailey: Huh. Well if this turns into an “either or,” you pick the person you love. End of story. Look, all of this means nothing if you’re alone.

Meredith: [voiceover] At the end of a day like this when so many prayers are answered and so many aren’t, we take our miracles where we find them. We reach across the gap and sometimes against all odds, against all logic, we touch..against all odds it happens.

2007-07-12T22:53:00.000+08:00

i love the POLITE/IVP atmosphere. i could feel it tingling right through to my toes..
it was held at Ngee Ann poly. 2 courts. 1 guys 1 girls.
the feeling.....damn shiok i tell you.

although i'm not playing anymore i still feel for them. for all the players.
feel their excitement rushing through their veins..feel nerve wrecked right before their game...feel like puking and having a million butterflies in their stomach. everything!
so many feelings that we might as well explode..

we always feel that the 2 1/2 mins for warmup for each side is not enough. stroke a few times, thats it.

NP won both SP & TP, and i'm quite glad for them. they've worked very very hard for it.
the last player was Daryl, and seriously...he was...merciless...............
he gave away only one point. seriously?!
JJ vs Brandon was scary man! but JJ pushed for every damn shot that we all were very worried for his ankle..

i know people are talking, but i really dont care.
the people who dont like me wont believe me, so i wont bother to explain to them.
the people who like me and are my close frens wont need the explanation. :)

thank YOU for understanding. <3

2007-07-05T01:28:00.000+08:00

alot of things in life, you have to grin and bear it.

like how the closest ppl in ur life make fun of you and you have to grin and bear it. all the bloody way. frustrating sometimes.

but i realised that what sean said that day was true. its like, when he smses and i dun reply, he wont ask me why. bcos he would know that there would definitely be a valid reason and that it wouldn't matter to him bcos our friendship is stronger than that. we complete each others sentences and i know what he's thinking. anyway, yes, BACK-UP PLAN! heh inside joke.

my voice is dying now. in all honesty. went to sing K with Fee and Louis until we died. like seriously. stoned in e bloody room. 4 hours straight omggggg. CRYYY MEEE A RIVERRRRRR. we got a legendary VIDEO to prove our madness! its hilarious man.

you know sometimes, i wish you cared a little bit more for me. like, be bothered with what i do. yea i understand the whole give-you-freedom thing, and it works both ways, but i cant help but feel this way today becos i feel like crap. totally crappy feeling. and im tired, and i think im beginning to sprout nonsense. and i cant help but wish you could encourage me sometimes, or be proud of me, bcos your opinion matters. alot.

ok this is gettin gibberish.

i jus woke up frm a nap and i'm waitin for Grey's Anatomy! and, i feel like squashin tml but yet i feel lazy. AIYAAAAA. i feel damn tireddd. big girls dont cry.

you, YOU make my world stop.

Meredith: [voiceover] At the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. Some things you say because there's no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves.

sigh, i dont know what to say or do now. i dont have a right to make a fuss, yet i feel like crap, or rather i feel like Meredith Grey. emo and waify. but im definitely not waify. ok rubbish.

2007-06-09T00:06:00.000+08:00

its funny how time flies.
sigh, was reminiscing about school because i just met up with my ex-classmates. i kinda miss the whole have-fun-together atmosphere. just..kinda miss it i guess. it has become one hell of a comfort zone that maybe i took it for granted.
it has been a week since my birthday, and i'm awfully glad i managed to get together with many friends.
caught pirates of the carribean (que: ORLANDO BLOOM!!! AHHHH!!!) ok sorry that was way out of point. caught it with simon marcus and gerald. we've known each other for like wad, 5, 6 years? thinking back, we've changed tremendously since then, and i say that in a good way!

met sri shijin ruifang jason and huzair on thurs for some makan-ing and catch up. it was so fun to be able to be ourselves and joke around like we used to. God, i miss those days so much.
photos on jason's blog :)

my sweet bf presented me with a necklace before i left to meet my mum n sis. i was pleasantly surprised because he appeared so...nonchalant about the whole birthday thing. but its still amazing to me, bcause i hold him in very high esteem. extremely high esteem..

so fri came and went. sat i headed down to SP to watch samuel's match against ernest. LOL. one hell of a match i must say. stamina kings. btw, sean is still the ultimate stamina king! HAHA.
it was amazing la really...watching guys matches..totally different level man! saw leroy, onn shaun, bryan there too! sigh. competitions...my sec sch life revolved around them. can even remember how anxious i was for the next wilson open to start!

boyfriend brought me to JB..didnt manage to buy anything much though, since clothes in Tebrau City were around the same price as here. bought tons of sweets though, and dark chocolate for munchin on during school. it felt very good, to be able to stroll around freely with the person you love. its something which i cant explain, no words can describe it.
so many people asked me what it is about him that i fell for, i couldn't reply. its a question which i really dont have an answer for. seriously.

through every relationship, you learn. and in this, i'm applying what i've learnt into it. i'm tryin not to make the same mistakes, trying to compromise even more, tryin to put more into it...keyword is TRYING, because i cant promise. i'm really really trying, because its worth the effort. i really really want this. i want this so bad that maybe my feelings doesn't matter as much to me as it should...

but as he says, it always goes both ways. and i know what he has done for me, and i appreciate it. although i dont say it often, i do appreciate it.

i cant ever say it enough, but you mean the world to me...

for the times you've peeled my prawns, squeezed my limes, tucked my hair behind my ear, wiped my perspiration on the back of your hand, pinched me til i got huge blue blacks [ thats fine really, :) ], held my hand, taught me how to use chopsticks, not minding me in specs (trust me, its terrible), for appearing outside my door when i sprained my ankle, and countless other seemingly trivial stuff, but they're still important to me.
because thats what makes up this relationship to me. not some big celebration or extravagant gift or huge bouquet of flowers. kinda thing. for the enormous trust you've placed in me, and vice versa. some things go without saying. so i tend to "forget" to appreciate sometimes. but no, its always at the back of my mind.

thank you, for saying that day "i'm always here for you...". thank you. :)

anyway, i'm watching shrek 3 tomorrow! thats if i can get tickets of course. haha.

don't look for absolution anywhere else other than yourself.
because at the end of the day, your opinion only matters most to yourself. if you cant forgive yourself, no one could. if you still live in self-denial, no one would be able to pull you out of that pothole you've created.
but if you choose to change, remember that you're changing for yourself, not anyone else.

everyone is entitled to a bit of selfishness sometimes.

-your small little princess

2007-05-03T15:04:00.000+08:00

boyfriend, thank you for the little things you do that show you care.

like...

when you called me on both days to ask how i was feeling
when you update me on nicol david's matches
when you take the east west line with me home, even though its a bit further and you're really tired.
when you rub my face or pat my cheek
when you always make sure the seat is clean before we sit down
when you always make sure we go for a meal when i'm hungry (although thats quite seldom)
when you never fail to try to accompany me on errands
when you help me finish my food everytime i cant
when you let me sleep on ur shoulder whenever i feel like it

you dont need to buy gifts or extravagant stuff, because its these little things that matter to me. they tell me how much i mean to you, and i hope you know that you matter so much to me. although we might not say it enough, but actions always speak louder than words.

thank you for giving me so much, and for loving me so much more.

2007-04-27T17:04:00.001+08:00

Sorry, I've been so detached with the outside world that I can label myself as a no-lifer. CURRENTLY only ok. Because things will change! I hope they do. =/

I keep track of my activities in my hp, meticulously typing the day's events before I sleep. LOL. I can just imagine simon saying "lena wtf seriously"

Anyway, so on 6th april there was a class outing. Sort of. Miss lee, my communication skills lecturer, and her hubby joined us. She suggested Waraku at Central, located right above Clarke Quay MRT, and she also suggest calling for reservations. Which was an extremely smart move, because the queue was atrocious when we got there. It was interesting, because at 705 (the booking was at seven) the counter staff called up mr yong, (miss lee's hubby) asking him whether he would be here soon, when in actual fact mr yong was right in front of the guy makin the call. LOL. The price was reasonable la, for nice Japanese food. No complaints. But the portions were HUGE. Seriously HUGE. I couldn't finish laa. Zzz.

And I applied for the new bio metric passport cos my current one is going to expire in may. The application process was fast and easy, fill in a form, stick ur photo, pay through nets, then put in the deposit box. But the collection queue last sat killed me. Waited for 2 bloody hours.

On another note, Simon's birthday celebration lunch at The Line was superb, to me la. The variety of food was….really….alot….the extremely fresh sashimi was damn good la. Sigh, makes me think about growing a year older. Oh well.

Met up with my c1 class for steamboat at marina. Celebrated zaki's and shijin's birthday together. The food was…passable. But I got diarrhoa after that. Urgh.

I finally purchased a few vcds/dvds which I have always wanted. The Notebook, Assassination of Richard Nixon (SEAN PENN! )

Oh, and I caught the HCI vs ACJC match on Monday. It was amazing seriously. Felt so good to be able to catch the inter-sch matches.. sigh.

Oh well, that's about it. I feel like sleeping already.

Sean, when can we meet up? Your beloved The Lakehouse dvd's with me :)

2007-03-28T01:20:00.000+08:00

我愛上讓我奮不顧身的一個人
我以為這就是我所追求的世界
然而橫沖直撞被誤解被騙
是否成人的世界背後總有殘缺

我走在每天必須面對的分岔路
我懷念過去單純美好小幸福
愛總是讓人哭讓人覺得不滿足
天空很大卻看不清楚好孤獨

i sang this to my bf yesterday, partly because i love this song to death, and i thought it was pretty meaningful to sing under a gloomy night sky. it looked like it was gonna rain any moment.

he took my breath away. he didn't try to impress by bringing me for extravagant dinners or all dat, but it was the simple and thoughtful gestures which touched me.
and i really love him very very much, no matter what others say. we sat on a bench and talked yday, and talked and talked and talked. it was one of those in-depths conversations which we usually have. i'm glad to have very supportive ppl around me.
anyway, he is really a breath of fresh air. its time for me to count my blessings.

2007-03-26T20:11:00.000+08:00

WEIREN MENG AND SIMON: LETS GO KARAOKE SOON OK!

i felt the sudden urge to blast my lungs out. and yes chinese songs too. was listening to zhang hui mei just now and i thought that i felt rather sad. her songs all so...depressing. haha.

i enjoyed the last karaoke session with you guys. fun shit. especially when we all went mad during kylie minogue! hahaha.

我无所谓，我冷若冰淡若水。
我不为梦，留一点空，侵略我紧闭心扉。
当感情是唯一解不开的结，
而人，爱听谁伤了谁。
我愿是风中，飘然轻落的叶。

我无所谓，我伤过心掉过泪。
我只在乎，爱本无罪，何苦要陷入重围。
当世界被感情蒙上一层灰，
而我，宁愿是最后的落叶

2007-03-26T12:50:00.000+08:00

i was reading through msn message histories last night, and i found a particular one hilarious. i rmb chatting with alex on msn for a few hours, and it was just..super damn talk cork la.
but what he said is true, we'll lose contact in a few months. sad, but true.

i gave the bf a card yesterday, wrote a little something on it la of course.
and i also found out that he kept the movie stubs and wrote the date and occasion on the back. i was very touched. really. i dont understand why people always think that im the one who made the first move, cant it just be a mutual like-each-other thing? it made me a bit sad la.

haha, everytime i read simon's and meng's testimonials, they never fail to bring a smile to my face. so funny la my fellow bitches! was awfully glad to be able to catch up with them last thurs during their usual subway dinner. was surprised that weiren was working at Paragon's Raoul, i ought to pay him a visit sometime.

so one week came and went, the travel fair was quite gosu seriously.

2007-03-21T13:57:00.000+08:00

"CHEE YOKE PING NENNA!you crazy biatch! jus look at all your retarded pics (except the nice ones of us lol) no wonder ppl think u r a crazy woman. What happen to you MIA for so long? We were missing a tissue paper supplier and bag bitch to carry our stuff for us lol... nenna nenna quite so contrary, soon going to be holding the passport of ANOTHER COUNTRY. Better not say too much wait a certain missy will start saying bad stuff about you. But she can suck balls la cuz you is our biatch and we will protect u haha. UNHOLY TRINITY's designated bag biatch nenna shall not suffer from the indignities of having mud slung at her. ONLY WE CAN DO THAT LOL.

We need to UPGRADE U NENNA. Manolo Blahniks, Jimmy Choos, Cartier, Givenchy, Chanel, SKII, Elizabeth Arden.. UPGRADE U! (Don't say LV cuz that's for AH LIANS)

Nenna is from the block, but don't be fooled by the rocks that she's got (they're all pebbles actually) that she's lugging in her nonsense handbags. We need to get u a FENDI to outclass that biatch. Time to get yourself a better idol cuz CLAY IS CRAP.

Please hide your pads in your bag properly so you don't end up dropping them all over the place like when we went to JB for that day trip. You ah... must upclass you and upstyle you so can show u off as the Unholy Trinity's Designated Bag Bitch. Think you too strong already from all that squash training.

La Simonina and I will be watching you hor so pls remain contactable otherwise we will ask le choops to pay you a visit. Going to become teacher, cannot behave so crazy anymore... stop letting down your hair to shake like a mad biatch very unglam you know. Cannot mould the future of our nation until they become lidat also.

Ok i think i have finished saying what i wanna say. DUN TRY TO RUN FROM US cuz we will catch you like a little hamster and feed u to the NTU undergrad. LOL kidding la."

- well, THAT was dear Meng's testimonial. I STARTED LUFFING TIL I ALMOST FELL OFF THE BED LA CAN?! i am their bag bitch, and will always BE! YAY. seriously.
anyway, i really dont understand how to make peace with her when there's nothing to make peace about in the first place!

results have been..satisfactory, considering that this semester was hell for everyone. i have never memorised LIKE THAT IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. I SWEAR. but, OK LA...
i really would not have made it through without my mugging khakis, namely rf, cm, and kp. they motivated me la seriously. without them i would have DIED REALLY BADLY.

and to la simonina, luke AUDEMARS anthony a.k.a meng and le choops a.k.a. GYM RAT, I MISS YOU ALL SOOO SOOO MUCH. MUAHS MUAHS MUAHS. ok dats quite sick.
BUT NVM I CAN PLANT KISSES ON YOU ALL NEXT TIME RIGHT! RIGHT???????

anyway, NUS piano ensemble was EXCELLENT la. i was in awe of how their hands ran ever so lightly across the piano keys, making delightful music pleasant to the ears. there was a piece where there were 4 pianists on 2 grand pianos, SO IN TOTAL THERE WERE 8 HANDS! my goodnesss!
and there was a cello player and a violinist. very very pro.

yes la, update more later, time to scoooottt!

2007-02-27T20:55:00.000+08:00

it has been a fairly interestin week, to say the least.

headed to town with xuan on thurs, and we WALKED SO MUCH OUR FEET HURT. sigh. the sacrifices women make for shopping. we cant complain much, can we?
we were bimbo-ing all the freakin way la, guess things dont change much through the years.

so the next day was erm..JB DAY. simon meng xuan and i headed to our neighbouring country for food, shopping, food and more FOOD. LOL. MY GOSH!
the food is really gosu i swear. we had CHAR CHAN TENG for lunch at holiday plaza. we felt jacked later on cos we saw the same restaurant in City Square. beef horfun for a measly 7.90 ringgit. we had nothing to complain about. even my nissin beef soup noodles, which cost ONLY 5.20 ringgit, was delectable (as long as you do not think about the nissin noodles part, it'll be fine). xuan and i shared this super rich and thick chocolate milk shake thingy. satisfied our cravings definitely. mind you, the portions are not meagre at all. it's even more than how much they serve here in singapore.

we then headed to Pelangi in a cab. yes, cabs there are cheap. and i've never taken so many cabs in a day. It doesn even add up to five bucks per person. Pelangi was ok la...used to head there frequently few years back. OH and yes SECRET RECIPE THERE IS DAMN CHEAP OK! 5.50 ringgit PER SLICE OF CAKE! compared to singapore's 5 bucks apiece.
haha xuan and i went crazy over cute little chocolates wrapped in fanciful wrapping. honestly, it wouldn't even matter if it didn't taste good, judging that we purchased them cos they looked pretty. it's like how ppl don't mind jess simpson being a dumb blonde bcos she has boobs and looks, and an extremely EXTREMELY hot ex-husband. don't even get me started on Nick Lachey.........................

anyway, stop digressing honey. and sooo, last stop was City Square, which vaguely reminded me of Singapore's shopping malls. Mango, Levi's, "Diesel", The Body Shop blah blahhh... how oddly familiar. prices were around the same laaa and we pigged out on Shihlin Taiwan Street Snacks and Yami Yoghurt. YES they can be found in Singapore, but unfortunately....the prices.......
indeed. City Square was not very big laaa...I still prefer good ole orchard road and the recent Vivocity..not bad laaaa..

so off to dinner we went...Tebrau Market... Famed for its variety la.. so many choicesss..u wouldn't know what to eat..we decided on TZE CHAR.
hot plate tofu, oatmeal prawns, kangkongggg and kiam chai soup...with 2 huge glass of sugarcane to wash everything down. came up to less than or around 8 sg dollars per person. YESSSS. my goodnessss...excellent la.

so off we went....across the causeway to the place i dearly call home. although i would be much happier with lower prices in Secret Recipe Outlets. we were extremely tired, bloated but very very happy. oh, reminds me, i need to renew my passport like sooon...

he purchased a g2000 blue striped shirt yesterday which was totally spiffy lookin. it was like damn nice compared to the other designs we saw. haha. ok laaa not bad. better not say too much hereee...got a lot of rumourmongers....haha jk anyway, i'm actually very tempted to bring up something here pertaining to some invisible war i have with a certain someone, but i thought better of it. i'm still sane you know?
and it is really quite sad when you find out that a a supposedly close fren of yours does not defend you because he has to save his own skin. sad, really. i really don't get some of my friends nowadays. sometimes, i feel like i don't even know them anymore.

sean's my very very funny friend. our convos are always damn funny. like super damn funny.

Sir Sean says:
stare in each other eyes
Sir Sean says:
the electricity was so intense
Sir Sean says:
my balls were fried
Sir Sean says:
no i dun mean that literally

THAT made me laugh out loud! our conversations, (excluding the one i copied and pasted here) are always very real. and i appreciate him because he has stood by me for the past 8 yrs. i'm really very appreciative la. thank YOU. =)

which brings me back to a dream i had about angie very long ago. it reminded me of the things she had done previously which hurt me so much so that i lost hope in alot of things. that got me bad. i think 2006 wasn't a very good year, but things have taken a turn for the better this yr, although it has only been 2 months. i've opened my eyes and realised that i have been wrong on many occasions and things are not always what they seem to be.

anyway, i recently found out that eric betrayed me. i wasn't really surprised honestly, bcos i never could figure him out. he was one of those friends whom i just cannot communicate with anymore. but still, i can't say that i didn't expect it. i was definitely pissed off when my fren told me, but it blew over like in 1 minute. i couldn't care less about it anyway.

and no, honestly i dont really care what ppl say about us. haha say then say lor. boh pian also right? it was just underground la...also dunno how to explain...and nothing to do with anyone being a 3rd party and all that crap... so yea lorrrr...

sigh. i miss my class already.

I thought I could resist you
I thought that I was strong
Somehow you were different from what I've known
I didn't see you coming
You took me by surprise and
You stole my heart before I could say no

You leave me speechless
(the way you smile, the way you touch my face)
You leave me breathless
(it's something that you do I can't explain)
I run a million miles just to hear you say my name
Baby

-never been romanced like this before.

2007-02-18T03:24:00.000+08:00

I think the word eventful can be used to sum up these past few weeks.
The rushin for common tests, and now the pia-ing and cramming before exams…
The amount of reports and projects due were a definite killer, weighed heavily on everyone’s mind and we’re all glad to be rid of it.
I really do like my class an awful lot, we’re all full of sheet la seriously…
But nonetheless, I miss C1. all my talk cork buddies la..jason huzair zaki nick…all the sick & lame jokes always cheered me up really
And I am so thankful to have met awfully nice ppl la..
ruifang...wah lau i wuldn't have survived without her la...
seriously i wuld haf died...
chen ming.. kokzhi mingkai yong chuan kanghao.. kp..kw... wenxing dey all.. wati..wah my class has been damn fun la...took us only few months to bond leh...damn i'll miss all of you.
finally everything's over...can take a deep breath and relax for the first time...
was up to my neck in everything la laz few weeks...rush this rush that...but it was fun la..especially when we worked on the 2 man lifter report...fascinating...
fen gong he zhuo...very apt indeed

sooo anyway vday was an interestin affair...
had very mixed feelings throughout the whole day..first we had a paper at 1230..den i had to rush to e lab to help with some stuff and wait for kp..
we headed to jb together to get his ticket back home to segamat from larkin...malaysia is indeed a fascinating place...
we took 170 to woodlands chkpt and decided to walk upon seeing e #(*^%#(^#*$ bus queue..it was really bad la...might as well walk instead of standin around...so we walked......and walked...and walked...and finally reached....lol the water was surprisingly clean leh when we walked along e kerb...it used to be littered with crap....honestly...
so we took a bus down to larkin and TRIED to buy his ticket...2 counters had already been sold out and he only managed to get his ticket at the third counter...
oh and their macdonald's sell a wide variety of junk food la...haha...
ok so we didnt know where to go for dinner and we settled on the market opposite crown hotel...(i dun exactly rmb the name, it was extremely forgettable) i always go there la...the food is excellent seriously...got wide variety and its dirt cheap oso...
for the first time in my life, i tried to eat unshelled prawns..my gdness it was tough...i gave up la ended up spittin out e shells unglamly..tsk tsk...
.....he then decided to bring me to Danga Bay...very nice leh that place...a breath of fresh air compared to the esplanade and boat quay that i'm too used to liao.. they actually had fireworks display a few times...a live band was singing and they played music...had restaurants around too..
had girls sellin flowers and couples riding tandem bicycles...excellent atmosphere la...
didnt noe he was lidat oso...he said it was a spur of the moment thing...so yea lor...i saw good old singapore from there...and jellyfish floatin in the waters....LOL...
it was really beautiful la that place...wonder how it is during the day....
we then walked across the causeway(AGAIN) and cabbed down to boat quay to celebrate jh's belated birthday....lol...fascinating la....but it was all gooooodd....dey sang a bit of karaoke tooo
but i guess we were all dying because of studyin for that day's paper already...so felt a bit sleepy

next day chen ming yongchuan kp ruifang and i met up with miss lee for well...supposedly shopping..but we just ended up eating and talking in food republic due to many many delays on all sides...lol...miss lee....very nice and interesting lecturer la...confirm will miss her and her animated deliveries also...oh wellll..didnt do any shoppin la...

finally met up with my bitches simon and meng yday for dinner..caught babel with simon before that...it reminded me of a clash between 21 grams and last yr's surprise oscar winner over brokeback mountain, crash. Alejandro directed babel and 21 grams, and it was damn similar la...e way the scenes were shot.. and the whole time frame thing..haha of cors...21 grams starred sean penn..SEAN PENN...i am going crazy already...as everyone can tell by my way of typing..i am going crazy....already.......

i sent mao off a few hours agoo...sad la...not gonna see her or squash with her for at least another few months.....and peppermint's going off next thursss....BOOO

fallin head over heels, thought i knew how it feels, but with you its like the first day of my life

2007-01-18T10:31:00.000+08:00

its been an interesting few days to say the least.

oooh i went to serangoon again on sunday to get pet supplies, and i headed to ttsh in the afternoon to visit eric. he fell very sick after coming back from hk, infection of the stomach and liver. sigh, he lost so much weight, like 5 kg or something. and he looked a tad pale although he improved greatly on tues on wed when i visited him again. im glad that he's discharged already.

im flooded with common tests n projects n bloody reports to hand up in the next 2 weeks. i guess i wont be headin out or squashin anytime soon. =(

of yea, i read up on Ted Bundy the other day, and i got chills down my spine. the atrocities this man committed are beyond words. its just freaky and disgusting, the way he rammed his victims' heads against the wall or battered them with a club until broken pieces of her skull got lodged within her brain. urgh a lot la really. go wikipedia and read up if u're up to it. remember not to eat before that. some crimes were absolutely sick to the core. but on the day before his execution, he gave an interview and he elaborated on the dangers of pornography. reminded me of The Green Mile where Old Sparky was put to good use. but that was a really sad show, especially when John Coffey was killed on Old Sparky. i cried buckets laaaaa.

i bumped into hueysun yday at ttsh, and we caught up and laughed for quite a long time during her lunch break. we reminisced about the times in anderson, we gossipped too la. haha.
i headed out on my own for a while after that, and i bumped into lucas. caught up over coffee and drooled over dvds in hmv! he has both seasons of GREY'S! URGH!
i really must get season 2 ASAP. NOW.

i've gotten over the whole och scare, took me quite a long time actually. i still tend to be scared and timid when my mind wanders off in the middle of the night...
ooh, jessie's band garden of eve is performing this sat at VIVOCITY! GO DOWN SUPPORT K! =)

i wanna watch titanic again.

drivin away from the wreck of the day and its finally quiet in my head.

2007-01-15T13:26:00.000+08:00

i felt damn sad about something yday. and i felt tired and i didn't know what to do.
my fren comforted and held me. i guess it stopped the tears. i cant even remember the last time someone held me close to make sure i was alright. it has been very very very long indeed.

maybe, just maybe, i'm a totally different person now... i wish i wasnt.

2007-01-05T23:56:00.000+08:00

a miracle happened yesterday.
after 5 very very long years, almost 6 years actually(gosh is it 2007 already?),a long lost friend popped up out of nowhere on my friendster who viewed me list. as in seriously popped up out of nowhere. tm was one heck of a memory, i had to double check to see whether it was the same person. its been so long...
we lost contact for some reason back then, bet it was some stupid childish excuse. i did try contacting him, but to no avail. i remember being very angry, but i guess it was just a facade to hide how i felt deep down within me. i was very very very hurt, WAS being the keyword cos now, i couldn't care less.
i heard that he got posted to brunei, and thats the most that i've asked about him now. it really didn't matter. but suddenly, yesterday, it mattered. i cared enough to send him a very short msg, and he replied with a very short answer. guess we've put aside our childish differences. took us 6 yrs huh.
i was going through files in my various diskettes, and i found saved log files of our conversations. wah i realised im a bit mad sometimes..haha.
guess it all faded from my memory long ago, things happen for a reason i guess.
but i'm extremely glad that we're in contact again. extremely little contact, but its there at least. im elated actually. i still cant believe it lor. HAHA.

anyway, on a brighter note, the cravings for squash have been satisfied.
did hard-core rallying today man. i'm exhausted and totally drained. barely slept the last couple of days due to e chalet and homework.

the chalet was really good, THANK YOU EVERYONE! the umbrella-over-bbq-pit thing was very very cool. LOL. imagine 4 or 5 of us scrambling to prop up umbrellas over e pit so as to shield the food from the pelting on-and-off rain. it was madness seriously but it was very very fun. never felt like that in a long time..

there was a kelong a stone's throw away, and we decided to check it out. the cooling sea breeze was a breath of fresh air, a far cry from the mosquito-infested headquarters we booked for the night. i felt like my worries were thrown out of the window as i leaned against the wooden railing, very light-headed and everything.
while the rest went to play beach volleyball, (i felt too prissy to run around in wet sand LOL no la jk) gary, yongda and i sat down and chatted about everything under the sun. and yes, we were literally under the sun.

we headed back for the bbq, and halfway into the bbq, it started drizzling. yes, then it started raining.. a lot of chivalry was definitely on display lol.

lol and yes i learnt indian poker! =) e visit to och was a killer in all honesty.. thank goodness gary became VERY BRAVE WHEN HE STEPPED IN. i swear he was breaking out in cold sweat before that.
thanks man gary for asking me whether i was alright so many times. and yes sorry for almost causing the blood in ur hand to clot. i gripped his arm suddenly numerous times. i would be very freaked out man. thanks everyone for e security and reassurance. i wouldnt have survived the whole ordeal without it. really.

so it was one sleepless night, cos after supper at changi village, we headed back for mahjong! haha i learnt some new terms!

sigh, and so i didn't sleep til thursday night, but i only slept for like 6 hours. i barely dragged myself out of bed this morning.

its time to catch up. on my sleep i mean.

2006-12-30T20:07:00.000+08:00

yday was totally Newsroom Part 2.
it was cool la, the whole gang of squashers going crazy together.
but anyway i thought the graveyard was suicidal. seriously.
it was a good mix of music, mambo rnb blah blah. and it was very JJC.
jj post prom. nuff said la.
i saw peppermint! after like 8 months!!! haha she n mao went for prom night together.
totally. the chori chori song. we all went crazy during HEY YA! HAHAHA! LOL.
swong onn jj bryan and mian looked very suave indeed. INDEED.
very spiffy in their shirts and jeans!
lol, that graveyard drink tastes really disgusting leh, i took one sip and i scrunched up my entire face! i'll stick to good ole coke thank you. but i was amazed at how well they took it, considering its said to be one heck of a knock-out drink. heh.

sigh, i'm still not very fond of heels. the only thing i plan to do today and for the whole of tomorrow is to stay at home and sleepp..before school starts again next week. zzz. tons of night classes i can barely take a breather.

the post-christmas gathering on tuesday was great! david marcus gg jocelyn lingzhi simon and i went over to marcus's house la. the food from cold storage was good, especially the ribs and chicken. but, don't get me started on the rock-hard pizza.
we just caught up on each others lives, it has been quite a while since we last saw each other. it's really great to see everyone again. 6 yrs of friendship indeed.

i headed home early cos i got dizzy from lookin at the comp screen. they went lanning you see. i will never understand computer games. never.

and i just realised Grey's Anatomy Season 2 is OUT ON DVD!!!!! YESSAYYYY!!!!!!!
mcdreamy MCDREAMY LA!
channel 5 PLS PLS PLS hurry UP AND SHOW SEASON 3!!!!

anyway, i'm reading Anita Diamant's Good Harbor now, its a tad slow la, but the plot is not bad.. quite touchin at some parts, yet some pages are terribly tiresome to read through. haven't bought books in ages though.
and can you believe i have never watched Sleepless In Seattle before?!
my gosh, i finally got it on vcd! heh sorry laaa.

i went NTUC yesterday LOL then i chanced upon Natures Organics Chocolate Truffle and Creme Brulee shower milk. it SMELLED SO NICE I WAS FILLED WITH PICTURES OF TEMPTING CHOC TRUFFLES AND CREME BRULEES AFTER THAT LA.
just.TRY.IT. its damn good. ok la, its just very nice smelling. and im wonderin where to get apple-scented deodorant. anyone?

simon got me a Coach purse from the States for Christmas. i absolutely adore it. thanks SIMON!

i have not touched my racket in ages! i want.to.squash.now.

i just realised Savage Garden's I Knew I Loved You is so cheesy la. or maybe because the entire cd has been on repeat mode. no wonder i sound angsty.
im an angsty little girl.

its gonna be 2007 in a matter of hours. so fast hor?

2006-12-25T01:38:00.000+08:00

its almost 2 past midnight, and it's Christmas. It doesn't really feel like Christmas to me, apart from all the lovey-dovey heartwarming songs from Love Actually. I didn't put up a Christmas tree (i used to put up a really fake white one long ago though), the're's no turkey (there wont be any for the next 10 yrs or so), no decorations, no big fat presents anywhere in the house, so it's just me and my really worn-out Bible for Christmas this year.

i was warbling out Hark the Herald Angels Sing while getting my things done just now. The lyrics were always in my head all this while, just that I never really tried to recall and sing it out loud. I love that song, and it reminds me of my primary school bell ensemble days.

Anyway, I was sane enough to stay at home instead of jostling around, or should i say getting stuck, in Orchard today. The human traffic is crazy, and i experienced it first hand on Saturday.
It was seriously madness la, people around you all going in different directions. If only the Wisma underpass was completed already. The continuous elbowing nearly killed me.

Anyway, i haven't been reading in a while, (8 days is not counted) and i can still see 3 new books sittling prettily on my desk. And i've not gotten presents for my friends yet! URGH. looks like it'll be late, and hopefully not last minute.

ooh, and this is a must-mention! simon bought for me a manicure set from America. THANKS SIMON!
wr meng simon and i were chillin at starbucks the other day, and simon was explaining every detail of how to go about using it. i had to be TAUGHT how to use a manicure set. damn sad right. quite atrocious when i think back now.

it has been an extremely boring Christmas eve, but what the heck,

weiren. you just made my day, merry christmas. says:
a person can be surrounded by ppl but still feels lonely
weiren. you just made my day, merry christmas. says:
whereas someone alone may not feel lonely

very very true. i am alone, but i dont feel lonely. especially when tons of smses and msges from my friends came in just now, i smiled to myself. thank YOU!
thank YOU soo hwei for the Christmas card! i received it the day i bumped into you! =)

i listened to Savage Garden the other day, yea i'm quite a big fan actually.
It doesn't matter whether Darren Hayes is gay or not (apparently yes, he is), he has an extremely unique voice with tons of soul to match. Nick Lachey is well, the more macho and deeper-voiced version. And i found my Steps album collecting dust as well, along with Fann Wong, Shania Twain and Lene Marlin. Shania has excellent songs la, too many to list down now.. but From This Moment On is definitely one heck of a wedding song.

this random thought just crossed my mind, i wanna work in the zoo!

Love Actually has a very good soundtrack though, haha that had Kelly Clarkson before she started winning Grammys. The part where the guy had e placards show for Keira Knightley, just damn sweet laaa... sigh, cant believe school is gonna start again in a week!
and in no time, it'll be exams again. i need to squash more. anyone?

Can you believe what a year it's been
Are you still the same?
Has your opinion changed?

2006-12-24T01:22:00.000+08:00

sheesh, i browsed stephen's page just now..and i saw the lyrics for same side of e moon - corrinne may. that song used to make me very very sad..and it hit me again just now. cant believe its gonna be christmas in a few hours soon.. it seemed like yesterday that i spent last christmas with sean strolling around town lookin at decorations. haha i remember we were going through a very depressing christmas.. and we had each other. it helped la really. he's gone into full time mapling now. haha. RIGHT SEAN? =)

i like the whole..christmassy feel. the carolling, the joyful expressions on people faces during dinner..the exchanging of presents.. i just absolutely love christmas.
its not just about the turkey (i haven't had turkey FOR AGES) seriously, its about the whole family getting together to decorate the tree, the little children fighting to climb up and put the star at the top.. and the waking up to oh-my-goodness-there's-toys-in-my-little-stocking!
im so jealous, stephen's gonna go SNOWBOARDING! URGHHHHH.
he promised to show me snow once it starts falling =)
and sheesh, IT SNOWED IN KOREA LA. and i missed ittttt. BOO.

i dont know why, but it just..hit me out of nowhere. i didnt expect it though. haha i remember how i queued up for 2 hours for corrinne may's autograph! and i rmb how i teared when she played the guitar and the piano... she wrote some really depressing songs, seriously. she's damn tall too la.
have not gotten around to purchasing her christmas cd though...hmm.

it has been quite exciting la these few days... jessie I MISS YOU! =)
thank you for the ROSEEEE! so sweet la..bring all the way back from Cameron Highlands!

I'm looking out the window
Where we sat to watch the stars
There's a chill within the air
It makes my heart long for your touch
You may be miles away
But as I kneel to pray

I see the same side of the moon
That we'll be looking on when the world turns blue
And know that time and space can't come between me and you
We share the same side of the moon
And though you'll never see all the tears shine through
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon

I picture you across the ocean
In your corner of the world
I pray the wind will blow my voice
And gently whisper in your ear
Your night may be my day
And though the seasons change

It's still the same side of the moon
That we'll be looking on when the world turns blue
And know that time and space can't come between me and you
We share the same side of the moon
And though you'll never see all the tears shine through
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon

2006-12-13T11:03:00.000+08:00

i was in sp yday with the 2 maos and fiona, and i realised that JY IS DAMN PATIENT LA.
-kowtow-
he was actually feedin diff groups of ppl, and he was correcting their strokes one by one.
SERIOUSLY. i remember stephen being this patient too, and it made me realise that its quite hard to find guys like that. i've always had this mindset that most guys are actually more impatient and that some of them have lower tolerance levels.
haiyo. i really shake my head in disbelief sometimes.
im very VERY IMPRESSED. indeed.

anyway, stephen webcammed, and it was good to see the bespectacled stephen again! his room looks really nice too. good luck for his placement test next week!

sheesh, i was doing tons of drills on monday with homan, in jjc and in safra tp, and it made me so freakin tired. my stamina is really lousy. and the blister which i had gotten that day burst yday while playing in sp with my frens. urgh. apart from the shit-i-didn-noe-dat-i-was-bitten mosquito bites, the courts are very good!

will you ever know, will you ever feel...

2006-12-10T19:23:00.000+08:00

i honestly hate goodbyes.
i hate going through the same old scenes...
feelin terribly wrecked throughout the whole day and i cant help it.
you never know what you've got til you lose it, apt la really.

it was a teary goodbye for stephen in the afternoon, and it hit me really hard. like REALLY REALLY HARD.
i didnt feel it the past few days cos i pushed all my thoughts to the back of my mind every single time.
i dunno what else to say, and i just sobbed into my jacket.
sigh, i hope he'll be able to handle it well.

thank you to weizhong for e lift to jurong, thank you to jilly for ur shoulder throughout the whole thing, thank you to all the np squashers who comforted me, thank you to bryan for that sms!
and thank you stephen. thank you for making the last few months very memorable.
i salute you for the strong personality that you are, and i hope that everything will go well for you! we should start skyping! :)

stephen, i miss you.

2006-12-04T13:42:00.000+08:00

i realised im a huge animal lover. i wanted to use the word pets, but i thought otherwise.

my dad and i went macritchie to take the HSBC treetop trail yesterday. it was pretty breezy so i didn't complain much. it was quite a long walk la seriously, and there were more steps heading down than heading up. i swear dizziness almost took over halfway.

but the view at the top more than made up for everything else. it wasn't very high, but the bridge was pretty stable, so there wasn't any "STOP SHAKING THE BLOODY BRIDGE!". and there were little signboards which elaborate on the different types of fauna found there.
and there's a particular jelly found in cheng ting which is made from a small greenish fruit found there. i didn't know that! it smelled a lot like almond actually, but obviously it isn't la.
we saw monkeys, and squirrels, and different kinds of funghi. the repellent saved my skin in all honesty. been quite a while since i was up close and personal with nature herself. hmm.
i miss my annual cross-country days.

anyway, we headed to pet haven (serangoon north) after that.
i'm such an animal lover i swear. i was soooo damn taken with the hornbills and parrots. and everything else. i want a dog though. anyway i couldn't stop gushing la seriously.
i like squirrels, raccoons, prairie dogs, bears, aiya every animal LA.
i considered working at the SPCA if i had the time...hmmm.

2006-12-01T12:37:00.000+08:00

there are many issues which i wanted to blog about but i momentarily suffered a "writer's block" and therefore not able to put anything which makes sense here.

i'm rushing my freakin reports and projects, and its driving me crazy.
i'm pissed off with my immune system because i'm sick YET again. the stupid polyclinic refused to give me antibiotics the last time i went.
now, i know better and visited Healthway instead of wasting my precious time at some polyclinic waitin for some doc to prescribe paracet to me. URGH. so infuriating. i told the Polyclinic doc that paracet doesn't work. he told me it would. and gave me just one day mc. i fell sick with fever again for the next few days. i tell you, it felt like shit.
now i have a freakin throat infection. hope it goes away soon. SIGH.
sad la really. feel so fuckin weak nowadays. had a throbbing headache this morning and had to drag myself out of bed too.
common tests are coming up. i cant wait for my 2 weeks + Xmas + New Year's break.

oh, and on a side note, I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT WHEN STRAIGHT GUYS USE YOU TO GET TO SOMEONE ELSE. it doesn't matter whether we're close or not, but its pretty damn irritating when someone msges u out of the blue(when he never does) to ask for so and so's (slot in pretty girl's name here) contact. it has occurred MANY times and its damn irritating. usually i give la, with the girl's consent of course, but it makes me think very VERY lowly of them. i empathise when girl friends cry and cry over how the guy they like is paying more attention to their prettier girl friend. it pisses me off when they are so bloody fuckin dense, (they know the girl likes them of course) and continue getting close to her just to get close to that particular friend.
be genuine about wanting to talk la, you dont msg and just ask for something because you want it. and females are relenting usually, so please DONT take advantage of that.
within 3 days, 2 guy friends msged me to ask for so-and-so's number. not the same girl la. and due to earlier incidents with other ppl, i decided that i wasn't being overly sensitive. urgh.
i was telling meng the other day, "hm it would be very different if you were straight."
then he retorted, "yea but if i were straight i would have dumped you and went to look for some other girl friend."
haha, yea it was candid and direct, but it was TRUE. ALOT of guys do that, not all though, thank God.thank God seriously.
i'm glad for a lot of friendships built up over the years. very few close friends, but they're enough. and i hope they feel the same way. :) at least i know a few do. haha.
sigh, i really wonder what would happen to the late night conversations.
thank you for making this friendship very real, and making me feel cared for and appreciated.

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear-view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you

2006-11-23T16:46:00.000+08:00

its true that you never realise what you've got til you lose it.
cliche yes but true.

we cant stop it from happening though. it seems inevitable.
humans tend to unknowingly take others, be it friends or family, for granted. and its sad when we hurt them without meaning to.

sigh. dunno la. a bit sad. i take so many things for granted, i wish i didn't, but nothing can change that. i guess its time for amends! :)

amerpro's coming up from 4th - 9th dec. i'm pretty excited though i'm not playing cos of lessons. :)

i've decided what to get for him already, interesting how he's the first guy who actually doesn't want something practical, going instead for sentimental keepsakes. i hope he likes it though.
i appreciate all the sending-home-if-its-after-ten. and all the very random and zao sia singing. and all the entertaining, and of course the heart to heart conversations. looks like skype's gonna be in use again! my microphone's dusty i swear.

thank goodness i get to send him off before i head to korea for my ski escapade.
5 layers of clothes. seriously. i might still be freezing my ass off even with that 5 layers.
gonna stuff myself with shitloads of kimchi, and hopefully be able to da bao some home. for my kimchi-loving friends.

i've hardly gone out in the past week or so, was up to my neck with assignments projects and presentations. there's a mock interview next week for comm skill. im shit scared also. sigh. barely have time to breathe. hopefully dec is gonna be better.

i'm choosing my commitments very carefully. every step i take now is thought through carefully. i guess i'm being very cynical. there's so many things holding me back. but i know i wont put myself through it again. its painful, and i wont succumb this time. once you fall, you'll get sucked in deeper and deeper, and thats something i cant afford right now. not now.
sigh.

back to reports.

Meredith(voice over): There are times when even the best of us have trouble with commitment, and we may be surprised at the commitments we're willing to let slip out of our grasp. Commitments are complicated. We may surprise ourselves by the commitments we're willing to make. True commitment, takes effort, and sacrifice. Which is why sometimes, we have to learn the hard way, to choose our commitments very carefully.

2006-11-20T18:52:00.000+08:00

a few more weeks. and a very good friend's leaving.
i dont know what i would do without the late night conversations.

i'll miss you. i really will.

2006-11-16T17:11:00.000+08:00

indeed. it has been a very eventful week.

i went for the 7 Month Itch held at MOX on Sat night, which was actually very good in my opinion. Basically an eye opener. I have never discussed such issues like that before, and was never placed in such a situation. It was very interactive, and interestingly enough, my dear Meng was the first member of the audience to be thrust into the spotlight. He looked bewildered at first, but his dialogue was good! It's definitely hard to come up with lines and all that when you're under the scrutiny of other ppl. And Timothy Nga IS HOT HOT HOT. I was enlightened la really, many questions were answered too. Things that I have thought about before, but never really got around to asking. There was a lot of humour, and it made for delightful scenarios. Meng's GP teacher, whom he bumped into there, was really good with his lines and acting. Natural.

We headed to Maxwell after that for dinner (long overdue if I might add), and we had dim sum and egg bean curd. the tau huey kind. I wasnt very hungry la. We then headed for another night of atrocity. lets just say, i drank a tad too much.....
a couple of shared flaming lamborghinis, a shared waterfall, a few shooters, and good game to me. thats it la. i'm staying off for a few weeks. honest to God.

So I went home feeling very hungry, and very much sober, and tucked into a good old Macdonalds fillet meal while waiting for my turn to use the shower. slept like a log. and i have no idea why i woke up so damn freaking early. sigh.

Anyway, polite games drew to a close on Monday, and it left me with very very good memories to cherish for the rest of my life. I was really sad because it was my last chance to play for my school, but seeing the happy faces around at SP lifted my spirits. I am very proud of my juniors because i know they have played their best under the immense pressure. They did not back down, and i'm thankful for that. Even the year ones played well even against much better opponents. Thank you. =)

the whole atmosphere at SP was much better than last year, everyone got along really well, and there wasn't much animosity if i'm not wrong. There were a few bad comments here and there, but it's all part and parcel of this competition. I'll definitely miss those times when i look back in future. I definitely will. Thank you to those who have supported me, thank you to the referees and markers for my games, and thank you to my team. Thank you. Oh yes, and thank you to Mr Terence Ho for making us feel at home.
He smsed me "Be a good girl and go home. Take care and will see ya around k."
LOL it made me laugh. Because why does he think i would be going out at such a LATE HOUR!?
Yay, gonna have a game with him...soon i hope. :)

i'm glad zixuan's alright. i was scared stiff when i saw him lose balance and collapsed right in the court, just before sam served. He started gasping for air and he turned purple. i was really really stunned. i'm glad he's alright now. Mao said the medics told her he suffered fits due to muscle fatigue and due to being down with high fever the night before. Sigh. and Sam had a sprained ankle too. Sigh.

anyway, i actually shouted out my support during his match, and he looked up and smiled at me. for quite some time. I was trying not to melt right through the floor. Mao can attest to that. I was holding onto her for support. I swear that killer smile finished me off. indeed.
im so not gonna elaborate. i dont even know how to put it in words. AIYA. i'll just bounce and bounce, like how i bounced that day in the lecture theatre when mao msged me saying she saw that too! WEEEEEEEEEEE!

I almost died doing 3D unigraphics drawing on Tuesday. 6 bloody straight hours. the only break i had was for dinner. and then i was back to staring at the screen trying to figure out how to extrude, edge blend and all that. GOODNESS.

I was at Ngee Ann yesterday for squash with Stephen, and he made me run like a mad cow! I actually met Dion yesterday for the first time, after hearing tons about him. Squash captain. Ngee Ann's Magnum cheerleading squad captain. and he's currently serving the nation in the air force. yea la he made me run like siao oso.
went for dinner after that, and their coach Mr Francis Wong joined us. It was hilarious la, we talked about everything, from clubbing to squash to everything else. I've never really talked to him before, was rather afraid actually. different school ma. LOL.
sigh. i'm so gonna miss those days.
oh, and Terence Ho told me about Amerpro being held from 4-9 Dec. Its gonna be so exciting, although i cant join due to school. haha. =)

i'm blogging in school now, heading to town later for a farewell dinner with simon meng and wr. Simon's going off to the States for 3 whole weeks, that lucky bitch. 3 WHOLE WEEKS LEH.
and when he's back, it's gonna be HANDBAG NIGHT AT TABOO AGAIN!

better rest my wary legs today, since i ran out of gas yesterday after playing so many sets with various people. gonna head to JJC tml for squash again with Onn Shaun. haiyo totally different court conditions though. i miss that place. and the BEE HOON! :)

May he turned 21 on the base of Fort Bliss
Just today he said down to the flask in his fist
Ain't been sober since maybe October of last year
Here in town you can tell he's been down for while
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles
Wanna hold him but maybe I'll just sing about it

2006-11-09T01:51:00.000+08:00

i'm sick. yes AGAIN. and again and again.
i got food poisoning last sat. after chomping down beef hor fun at KIAN SENG RESTAURANT.
yes we went there again.
i had no idea why i woke up at 1am feeling so nauseous and everything, and proceeded to run to the toilet to puke out brownish shit. which was undoubtedly my beef hor fun.
and so had a fever on sunday. i took some pills, headed to church for youth service!
xuan's mum gave me some stuff she bought in china during her silk road trip.
i love the chunky blue bracelet!
very nice! sigh i miss coco. =(

so anyway, here i am with a very very bad flu and a very very bad cough.
i could barely open my eyes to cross the road this afternoon, tearing and everything.
good luck to me on fri.

got my comm skills presentation over and done with. finally. had to be decked out in a long sleeved shirt, skirt and court shoes. haiyo. oh and the very-flowery-smelling perfume meng gave. sheesh, i was sitting next to this lady on the train today, and my GOD she had the most strong perfume i've ever come across. think she sprayed too damn much. well, my nose acted up like hell and i had to shift. i cant smell anything now though.

i gotta sleep. SLEEP. i'll........update more later. =)

2006-11-02T23:48:00.000+08:00

anna nalick's voice has a very calming effect on me.

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear-view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus'
Cause love doesn't hurt so I know
I'm not falling in love I'm just falling to pieces
And if this is giving up then I'm giving up
If this is giving up then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

And maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
When all my resistance will never be distance enough

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

her voice is beautiful, really. her songs were used for a few Grey's episodes too!

the competition is nearing, and im so nervous about it. as the dates draw closer and closer. i can smell it already.

wow, 2007's just round the corner. sigh.

drivin away from the wreck of the day, and it's finally quiet in my head.

2006-10-30T20:23:00.000+08:00

i tell you, this cracks me up everytime i see it. weiren really looks disturbed.

well. the fashionista & me. or rather, the husband & the muse.

we look very happy dont we =)

the way i gush about Taboo is VERY similar to my mum's incessant...adoration of MENG. i swear my mum loves him. I SWEAR.
"wah meng u very tall ahhh"
"wah meng ur built very nice ahhh"
"wah meng u got good fashion sense ahhh"
"wah meng you do for her until very nice ahhh"
"wah meng you know how to dye hair ahhh"
"wah meng you also very knowledgeable about health care and skin products ahhh"
"meng take good care of lena horrr"

haiyo still got a lot more la cant recall EVERYTHING now. but thats the rough idea. she adores him. she simply ADORES him. its a GOOD THING!

but the whole ribbon around my waist thing was conjured up by my mum and him. he was twirling that frivolous ribbon around (quoted from simon) , wonderin whether he should put it around my neck or boobs (NAH JK LA) or tie it on my hair.

he then pulled it around my freakin BIG waist and tied a ribbon. AND TADAH!

que : more of mum's praising and fawning over his impeccable dress sense.

and i thought my black blouse was...complicated enough. it apparently wasn't. pair that with dangling blue earrings, a ring, BILLOWING HAIR, a sleek black blouse, a FRIVOLOUS ribbon around my waist, a pair of omg-my-feet-hurt-like-shit dunno-how-high- wedges with FRIVOLOUS ribbons around my ankles.
and i really must follow Meng's advice about getting a chunky belt. helps in bringing out whatever waist i have left.

halloween halloween halloween.

we were expectedly late la, obviously, i felt like a mannequin with 2 pairs of eagle eyes making sure i didn't look UNGLAM or anything like that. weiren and simon were dressed very nicely too leh. i like weiren's stripey tank top, and.....simon's long sleeved abercrombie shirt. which hid a skimpy SPAGHETTI TOP within. meng prefers to call it underwear, while i stick to calling it a spag. afterall, to me it IS LA. and meng was lookin very chic in BLACK. very very nice.

haiyo addie would have been PROUD of me. it was a far cry from that baby-blue halter the previous week (apparently addie said it looked lesbian-ish). oh talking about addie, he was decked in in..his halloween....best. his hair ah..wah really i have no words to describe it. and some ppl were very enthusiastic about the whole costume thing. there was this...person with red circles as flowers on the top of his head, he actually won the freaking competition la. he beat the sailors and schoolboys HANDS DOWN. haiyo but i didnt see his face. some had on atrocious masks la. and many trannys were prancing around with their caked-on makeup. it made xiaxue look extremely tame.

there were guys in hot pants, guys in cowboy suits, guys in RED SHORTS AND SINGLETS, guys with angel wings, guys with little horns on that head, guys with pitchforks, and guys...as geishas. it was amazing la really.

lena has renounced that she is definitely staying off straight clubs.

the ppl there are..really damn nice leh. they apologise when they step on you, and they can strike up conversations just like that. very courteous, very welcoming. i was overwhelmed actually. i stepped on this guy's foot la, poor thing. (imagine, i was wearing WEDGES) he was smiling and said nono its alright really then we just talked la. he had on a nice beret, and he was quite cute. we all agreed on that. HAHA. but we're in TABOO. so there. haiyo SO NICE LA. met some of weiren's friends. who were extremely welcoming and affectionate. and one of them had an artificial arm which he was using to do FUNNY THINGS. im leaving it to all of ur imaginations. LOL it was damn funny when he was scratchin weiren's back with it. HAIYO. oh,

and those are pictures which we snapped at MOX. i like MOX a lot. the ambience is fantastic!
the poor waiter was quite stunned to see 2 sets of plastic fangs on the bottle.
but e fangs were REALLY uncomfortable LA. i tried meng's at my mum's place, OMG i couldnt TALK and it was SUPER DAMN uncomfortable. LOL.

oh and then there was...PETER who went up to weiren and asked for a light. HAIYO.
american STUD. very very nice features.
and weiren was telling me that i should GO STRAIGHT CLUBS. you should see my reaction after that. priceless. i was like OMG NO THANKS PLS. he said i should go with him one day, and he will act as my bodyguard. just flex his muscles or smth can already la that gym rat.

talking about straight, there are a few..quotes from that night which had that WORD.

(i was elaborating to weiren and simon on how much my mum fawned over meng)
me: my gdness my mum was like wah MENG AH ur FASHION sense very good ah!
meng: sorry ah aunty if i were straight i would have married ur daughter long ago lor

weiren: I FEEL SO STRAIGHT! (after that i just started laughing like siao)

me: SIMON i like ur long sleeved shirt. very nice. and you look awfully straight.

im still very fascinated by all the costumes. i should have worn my "horny" hairband that someone (i forgot who LOL) got for me for Vday ages ago la. if only halloween was much more celebrated here. i would like to go TRICK OR TREAT! =)
lol. and yes we went upstairs and started prancing and preening in front of the freaking mirror. we did spastic poses, and weiren's fren, howie, asked whether i was LES.
i went NAH, and meng was like NO LA SHE'S MY STRAIGHT GIRLFRIEND.
lol and howie was encouraging me to carry along the straight route. damn funny la.

go to simon's blog for...funny details, especially about the whore who accidentally burnt him with her cig.

OH yes and i had dinner with the squashers before that at Kian Seng restaurant, behind YCK courts. so convenient, and no need to QUEUE up! the food was alright, ate there quite a few times already. it was damn funny la. all the super tork cork conversations. and vivian our coach joined us too!

it was so lovely la, i slacked at my mum's place for the whole of sunday! watched tv, pigged out on DIGESTIVES, and drank tons of MILK.

and my legs and back are aching. training then taboo. tsktsk. when will i ever learn.

it got my mind off everything though. but even if i was slacking my life away, he didnt come to mind as frequently as he used to.
as kelly clarkson would singggg "out of sight, out of mind"

2006-10-28T10:58:00.000+08:00

i've not fully recovered from that...singing/screeching session at kbox last week with all the SAMAZOZIS.
it was a good mix of chinese and english songs, and A LOT OF CRAZINESS.
we had dinner at some hong kong restaurant before that, and it was not too bad, there was so much CHEESE LA.
weiren and i are CHEESE lovers.
we didn't know whether to catch a movie or to sing our lungs out at kbox, and we decided on the latter.
i swear only simon's and jon's voice was working properly. meng wr & i were terribly hoarse.
we sang some sandy lam, some..jay chou (IT WAS THE DUET WITH LARA OK) and a lot of...english songs with pirated MTVS. oh, some britney and bsb too. reliving all the boyband madness.
kylie minogue made us jump up and down!
i was dying during shan hu hai and wu ding, i could barely READ the chinese words. here and there la, not that bad. but it was REALLY FUN. yay!
meng & i headed back to my mum's place after that, and while waiting for me to shower(EH IT WASNT THAT LONG OK) meng freaking fell asleep. sprawled on his bed like nobody's business. yea its nobody's business. i tried TO PROD HIM AWAKE, but to no avail. indeed what wr said was true. he told me not to waste any effort trying. lol.
but interestingly, meng woke up at 5am by himself.
he actually named one of my mum's hamsters after ZHU WEIREN.
my goodness. just go to his blog and u'll see how similar both of them are.

anyway, my sis n i went mad yesterday.
bought TONS of winter clothing from jurong point yesterday.
i'm not even THAT excited about my trip though. it's like a month plus away.
she had this Accessorize woollen hat which she didn't wear on her trip to turkey.
aiyo but its damn nice la.
i bought a pair of..wedges too. quite a steal in fact. last pair and it was my FREAKIN SIZE!

i'm quite..clear-headed now. after reading it i just....cried. and freakin cried la.
but thanks sean, for listening, although i didn't make much sense. thanks for always listening.
but i feel much much much better now. bcos...its HALLOWEEN NIGHT AT TABOO!
damn excited can. i've never attended such stuff before. the last time we went was handbag music night, so it was full of thrashy music. and there were.....alot of moobs. i'm leaving it at that.

sean called me while having his CHOCOLATE BUFFET. i wanted to strangle him. honestly.
i appreciate the concern. and the stitch work he did for my birthday. i have not gotten to framing it up though.

and i MUST REMEMBER to purchase A THOUSAND DIFFERENT WAYS NEXT WEEK!

thank you for telling me. :)
and no, i don't hate you.

2006-10-24T17:21:00.000+08:00

that last lingering beacon of hope which paved the way for me through these...10 months.
its gone.
i've always thought of myself being very mentally strong, although not so much physically but i was strong up there.
and i told xuan that yes i am over him. what a stupid lie. i lied without knowing i lied.
i said things without understanding myself. without knowing what i really really felt deep down inside.
some things although i actually know the truth, i try not to believe it. or rather, i dont want to.
its called self-denial honey. it keeps me going. keeps me going through my recent brighter days. keeps me going when the world seems to crumble down all around me.
and now, i know its true. its staring at me right in the face.

he's in love with someone else.

i don't blame him for being cruel to be kind, cos i know i rather hurt now than later.
i rather not hurt at all actually.

the very one time i had faith in someone, or in both of us, i don't know what to make of it all now.
its hard to find decent ppl nowadays, who aren't superficial, who arent materialistic, and who looks at inner beauty.

i'm fabulously single. fabulously. and i love Taboo.

but its alright. singlehood indeed has its perks. i sound really sour about it, but i'm not. at least i don't think so.

but shit, being broke doesn go well with being single.

friends do not put you down just because they do not agree with you.
all of you have no idea how much it means to me to hear that getting therapy/counselling is alright. ever since fabius called me cuckoo, i've been hesitant in telling ppl about it. i don't want ppl to think that i'm so and so. the certain stigma.
and i'm very grateful for all of your reassurances during dinner the other day. the fact that when simon said it out, it was met with protests about these kind of remarks, not only to me, but to anyone who is undergoing such stuff. i realised that maybe that 7 yr friendship didn't mean so much to fab as it did to me. and it wasn't just one moment of insensitivity either.
i've had it. its done and over with. nothing he says can take back his words. not even sorry.

hah. i'm such an unforgiving bitch huh.

Bailey: You know as well as I do it's not about what you look like, or your job, or how successful you are. It's about having people in your life that you love and who love you...that's all that matters.

2006-10-19T20:58:00.000+08:00

i've been pretty damn sick for the past few days.
what with fluctuating fever, bloody bad headaches, and a pain-in-the-ass cough.
i've been woken up by my own atrocious coughing in the middle of the night so often la. and its DAMN irritating.

Meng said the other day to me, "its time to move on lena"
and i told him, YES i know, tell me about it.
but its like i need to meet that particular person who can give me the same damn feeling he did.
and i have yet to do so.
and no, i'm not the sort who compares and all that, but if no chemistry, cannot force rite.
he's putting up at my mum's place, and he's done moving and sorting out his stuff already.

i headed to clementi's polyclinic with my mum yesterday, and the queue seriously finished me off. it took 2 whole hours to get everything done and over with.
and my doctor didnt believe me when i said paracetemol doesn't work for me. he insisted that it would do the job better than nurofen, which i was currently taking. he said nurofen causes gastric, which i have yet to experience, and that its too strong.
and guess what, i woke up today with an even higher fever than yesterday. sheesh.
and to cap it all off, i took so many naps throughout the course of the day because my cough medicine makes me EXTREMELY drowsy.

i'm thankful i grew up with open-minded parents.
obviously there have been a few hiccups here and there, but ultimately i have to learn how to take care of myself in the wild and crazy world we live in, and i HAVE to be street-smart.
but the prob is, i don't feel 20. i don't feel it weighing down on me just yet. that's not a prob to be honest, i just wonder whether it hasn't sunk in or that i'm too damn carefree to notice it.
and as the year draws to an end, its time for new resolutions (OBVIOUSLY i have never kept any of them, except the one to tidy my room and all that nonsense), i just make resolutions so as to....feel better. whats a new year without new resolutions?

i cant believe i'm growing up so quickly, honest to God.

and its time for us to fight for what we really really really want.
not in the..achievement sense, but in a way we must fight for what makes us happy, makes us want to go on living our life. and now that my age starts with a big 2, i must learn not to be pessimistic about life, considering that i can somehow obtain what i want.
not money LA, but freedom and many other things that can't be bought with cash.

i told simon yesterday what has happened in the last few weeks (or months) between my parents, and i very nearly teared up.
its scary how when i dont think about it, everything else seems so fine and dandy.
but when i do, i'll bring myself back to that emotional turmoil i was stuck in. and I CANNOT LET THAT HAPPEN. it'll take time, i'm sure, but soon it'll just be a very very bad memory.

all children somehow let their parents down in one way or another, but it goes the same for parents too.

"All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair. "

- the 5 people you meet in heaven

2006-10-12T23:58:00.000+08:00

surprisingly, my dear Meng didn't know i was FABULOUSLY single (as he puts it) til e few days ago. i was quite shocked actually.
but that's besides the point.

school (cue:yawn) has started yet again, and already on the 4th day, i've started my snoozefest during lectures. fang had to prod me in e ribs to get me to open my heavy-lidded eyes to take attendance. that girl's really a lifesaver. i don't know how i would get through poly life without her. and a few other jokers.

i've been sleeping very irregular hours for i dont know whatever stupid reason.
woke up at 5, tossed and turned, slept back and then woke up a few hours later, ensuring that i would definitely be late for school. moreover, i live in boon freakin lay.
but nvm, the dark rich chocolate aroma beats the distance any day. lovely.

i hate my workload this sem, there are so many projects and assignments being handed to us even at WEEK 0. and i missed school food. never knew the day would come when i would say that. i've ALWAYS complained about my school's food. ALWAYS.
and my goodness, i have 6 straight hours of unigraphic lessons (computer 3-D drawing) on tuesday, all the way from afternoon into e night. how depressing is that?

better not rant too much, cos i have it easy compared to other muggers burying their head in their books for their coming A levels.

2006-10-06T14:49:00.000+08:00

Lover All Alone - Grey's Anatomy

this is absolutely beautiful. brought me to tears. and the song's written and sung by clay. =)

2006-10-05T00:48:00.000+08:00

1. SINGLE or CRUSHING ??--> single

2. ARE YOU HAPPY WITH YOUR LIFE NOW ??--> yea,pretty much.

3. WHEN YOU MEET THE RIGHT PERSON, DO YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM FAST ??--> yes, if he seems right enough. that only happened once.

4. HAVE YOU EVER HAD YOUR HEART BROKEN ??--> yea, who hasn't? not only in the context of relationships, even ur closest friends and family members break ur heart too sometimes.

5. DO YOU BELIEVE THERE ARE SOME CIRCUMSTANCES WHERE CHEATING LOVE IS ACCEPTABLE ??--> No, not acceptable at all. demeaning. intolerable.

6. WOULD YOU TAKE BACK SOMEBODY WHO HAD CHEATED ON YOU ??--> i did. but depends on who la. if you can see him cheating on you again, slap him and kick him into the rain before its too late.

7. HAVE YOU TALKED ABOUT MARRIAGE WITH ANOTHER BEFORE ??--> yes.

8. DO YOU WANT CHILDREN ??--> yes. but through C-section. i don't have a high pain threshold, sadly.

9. HOW MANY ??--> 2 would be good.

10. WOULD YOU CONSIDER ADOPTION ??--> yea. no, not from Namibia.

11. IF SOMEONE REALLY LIKE YOU NOW, WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE BEST WAY TO LET HIM/HER KNOW HOW YOU FEEL ??--> just say la, now what generation already!

12. DO YOU ENJOY GETTING INTO RELATIONSHIPS ??--> yea, honeymoon periods. love em or hate em.

13. HONEST, WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU AND YOUR EX DID ??--> kissing ppl of the same sex. kiddin. REALLY.

14. DO YOU BELIEVE LOVE IN YOUR FIRST SIGHT ??--> no.

15. ARE YOU ROMANTIC ??--> yea, i can be a hopeless romantic.

16. DO YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN CHANGE SOMEONE ??--> i wouldn't want ppl to change me, so naturally i cant expect ppl to change for me.

17. IF YOU CAN CHOOSE TO BE MARRIED SOMEWHERE, WHERE WILL IT BE ??--> greece. my ultimate haven. my goodness to be surrounded by temples, and ruins would be nirvana la honestly.

18. DO YOU EASILY GIVE IN?--> yea, depends on who also la.

19. DO YOU HAVE FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE NOW ??--> yea. for you and you and you and you and you and YOU!

20. HAVE YOU EVER WISHED YOU HAD SOMEONE, BUT MESSED IT ALL UP ??--> first part yes, 2nd part i dont know.

21. HAVE YOU EVER HAD A BROKEN HEART ??--> yea.

22. IF ONE DAY YOUR BEST FRIEND FALLS IN LOVE WITH THE GUY/GIRL THAT YOU LOVE DEEPLY, WHAT WILL YOU DO ??--> good game.

23. ARE YOU MISSING SOMEONE NOW ??--> no.

this is SERIOUSLY THE SIMPLEST AND MOST STRAIGHT FORWARD SURVEY.
haha. i was...quite lazy LA. =)

2006-10-02T13:50:00.000+08:00

hmm been quite an eventful week, squashed at Signature Park on Fri, then went for a really late supper at Al Ameen with swong jj bryan becky onn.. seriously, it was.......interestingly sick. which im quite used to. reached home at 3am, yawn.

had fish and co with the guys the next day. service was pretty good that day though, sometimes it pretty much sucks. sheesh, i've got to catch that Jackie Chan show, stephen told me its HILARIOUS. headed down to Tanjong Pagar after that for some really gay FUN clubbing.

Taboo. in one word, it was just...AWESOME.

Taboo is this really hip gay club in Tanjong Pagar. When i say hip, i really mean HIP. the queue was quite..atrocious, but wei ren got us vip entry.
eh but seriously, there wasnt any huge sign showing the club's name or anything outside. it was.. SO PLAIN. but inside was pretty amazing.
and it was a huge eye-opener for me.

music was crap basically, although they told me its usually not like that on Sat nights. think it was a female DJ or smth. but the company was awesome.
Luke brought his fren Jon along, so it was...5 of us heating up the dance floor basically.
it was a sea of sweaty bodies inside and it was really PACKED when we got in.
the guys at the entry and the bartenders were quite hot and they were straight. which was...like drool haven for me. they were really nice when i was restin my wary feet and sippin my drink at the bar, talked to me about whether i enjoyed myself so on and so forth.
there were barely 5 girls in the whole club haha.
i swear i have not had so much fun in a LONG TIME.
it was wilder than Newsroom, which i went a YEAR ago, and basically that was underage haven anyway. but to me, Taboo wasn't sleazy, although Simon begs to differ.
and when ppl actually step on my toes accidentally, they turn and say sorry profusely and SMILE. i dont see that happening anytime soon in zouk or mos though.

luke simon wei ren jon and i were like the craziest bunch there i swear. I SWEAR.
it was... pure unadulterated FUN.
i felt so..uninhibited. liberated.
and there was once when we made a circle and started swaying and all that. and e33 with syrup was quite gosu.
i really had the time of my life. it was just fun really. i didnt have to be guarded or wary, or cautious about ppl groping around. so obviously with all that out of the way, i let my hair down. which i dont regret one bit.
Simon smsed me this the next morning, which made me laugh. seriously.
"Haha you should have seen you 3 yesterday. My goodness."
you 3 as in, Luke Jon & I. WE WENT CRAZY LA. straight clubs dont let me have this much fun bcos well, some guys can really be irritating. besides the one who groped Vickram's ass. =)

ppl thought i was some crazy-ass bitch la. HAHA. which was the whole point of going.
wei ren and luke asked whether i was enjoying myself, which i OBVIOUSLY WAS.
and they were really nice, made sure i didnt get lost in the crowd and all that.
and..SIMON was quite a goner after a few drinks. as he says on his blog, he's cheap. and he accelerates really quickly. his entry on Taboo was hilarious!
We were at MOX while waitin for WR, which had excellent ambience because it was a no-smoking place, which had a lot of plus points in my book. Simon totally went SATC (sex and the city) and indulged in a cosmopolitan, although the drinks took quite long to be served.
we didnt need to shout while chatting, which was very very good. i hate screaming in these kinda places.

it was really lovely la, company and all.
didn't expect myself to have so much fun, truth be told. haha we talked about Will & Grace, like how Megan Mullaly prefers to call it Jack & Karen, and how she ALWAYS talks about her own boobs being bigger than Debra Messing. it was really funny.
So we sat around outside Taboo after a long night, to rest our legs and we sang stupid songs and talked to the owner, LOL. ADELINE. no la thats not his name, but he calls himself that!
there were a handful of sick jokes too, which took me some time to comprehend, although i'm VERY dark and twisted inside. =)

So Luke took a cab back to...Serangoon and Simon Jon & I shared one back.
So off it was to Holland V den Boon Lay cos Jon insisted on it, then to CCK.

sheesh, and i overslept the next day and missed service. EVEN THOUGH i had TWO alarm CLOCKS. i SNOOZED through all. =(

and yes, i'm in the process of recovery. overwhelming.

2006-09-30T04:50:00.000+08:00

It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you I don't love you

It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do
To turn around and walk away
Pretending I don't love you

2006-09-27T20:02:00.000+08:00

oh.my.goodness.
i was surfing around and i got to these pictures of the big 3 along the Las Vegas Strip in Nevada.
Bellagio, Mirage, and Caesars Palace.
if you found them familiar, you probably heard of them through Ocean's Eleven.
yeah, THOSE casinos.
i literally gasped at the Bellagio Fountains, and the freaking artificial Mirage Volcano.
oh.my.god.
no wonder ppl get married there, its like a honeymoon-on-the-go.
i swear its AWESOME. the pics blew me away!
i wanna go there sometime...like...20 yrs from now =(
i think when i went there like about 15 years ago, it was quite a waste, cause I HAD NO CLUE as to where i was and i didn't know that i was actually in a place where i would grow up wanting to go again. tsk. i think we stayed at Caesars, because i VAGUELY recall my tour guide (Ken, see i remember her name!) telling us to stay up at night to catch the artificial volcano eruption next door at the Mirage. and sadly, i didn't give.a.shit then.
LOL. The sex tape that propelled hotel heiress Paris Hilton to notoriety was shot in one of the hotel rooms in Bellagio.
i didnt know THAT.

and oh my goodness i stumbled upon jon jonsson's blog on e net.
he won Manhunt few years back, and he's REALLY HOT.
he is based in Singapore after that. woah. and the way be writes is pretty damn smart too.

i'm becoming quite a fan of musicals..rent.wicked.
kristin chenoweth and idina menzel's voices ARE BEAUTIFUL TOGETHER LA!
and matthew broderick is super damn funny, especially when he was on the Ellen show with the rest of the cast from Producers.

youtube is really king. =)

2006-09-24T23:20:00.000+08:00

ppl work in many diff ways..
you never know when ppl would let you down, when karma would turn around and kick u in e ass.
and that maybe i wasnt there enuf for a person, therefore the karma.
and the worst feeling is that whatever you do, it's never enough.
whichever side you're on, you're wrong in the eyes of at least one person..
its sad how we are cynical, and judgemental.

holding on for you, but its a lost cause anyway.

2006-09-20T23:39:00.000+08:00

i listened to KT Tunstall on the Ellen show today and i realised she's super talented!
i've always loved a few of her songs, particularly this.
it made me sad bcos of some stuff, which is irrelevant now anyway.

Over the sea and far away
She's waiting like an iceberg
Waiting to change
But she's cold inside
She wants to be like water..

All the muscles tighten in her face
Buries her soul with one embrace
They're one and the same
Just like water..

And the fire fades away
Most of everyday
Is full of tired excuses
But it's too hard to say
I wish it were simple
But we give up easily
You're close enough to see that
You're the other side of e world to me..

On comes the panic light
Holding on with fingers and feelings alike
But the time has come..
To move along.

Can you help me
Can you let me go..
And can you still love me when you can't see me anymore..

And the fire fades away
Most of everyday
Is full of tired excuses
But it's too hard to say
I wish it were simple
But we give up easily
You're close enough to see that
You're the other side of the world
You're the other side of the world
You're the other side of the world to me..

2006-09-14T23:52:00.000+08:00

i've been rubbing noses with a few rafflesians these days,with no apparent reason too.
bumped into my fren, and saw 3 RI boys (short PANTS) opposite me on the train, fluently conversing in eng about one kid's camera phone. with singlish of course.
tze came to my mind, and i vaguely (actually clearly) remembered the last time i saw him was during the Newsroom event last year, which BTW was underage haven too.
i recall back in sec 3, how we used to meet up in bishan, then take the train down to Buona Vista and then board a shuttle bus to NUH to meet up with my sis for lunch. it was fascinating really when i think back, bcos once, on e shuttle bus ride to NUH, he asked me that if he had XXXX's look would i still like him, and i replied yes.
he was really tall and big, like 1.86m la. and ppl often mistook me for his sister.
and i remembered getting to see a brain scan in NUH bcos the doc was frm RI previously and was in a pretty good mood and welcomed us into the brain scan room.
ohhh, thinkin back, i think he was my sister's Dr McDreamy. HAHA.
brain scan = neurosurgeon = dr mcdreamy!
it was all fun la, taking the bus back to boon lay and even the same feeder service back home.
good memories la actually i dun rmb being sad at all until e end, lol and i rmb his mum called my mum! my gdnessss...quite scary then. it caused quite a huge issue for me at home though.
but in the end, it was very very sudden and abrupt. just left it like thatt. weird huh.
i still have all the log files though, all the interesting stuff which went on within that 8subbers channel. very funny la actually.
a far cry from who i am today.

oohh, but NUH's food was GOOD! and of cors super damn HEALTHY LA.

and i met jessie and shiyun for CHICKEN CHOP IN CORO and then VENEZIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ok im a bit tired.but quite high.

2006-09-11T15:27:00.000+08:00

I've just caught I Am Sam for the thousandth time yesterday night in the comfort of my small cosy room. I didn't manage to catch it on channel 5 on Sat night, bcos...i was out til pretty late.
no, i'm not jumping on the bandwagon, i've been a Sean Penn fan for a DAMN long time already, ever since catching I Am Sam all the way back in Anderson Sec.

yes, it made me cry every time i watch it. without a doubt, one of my fav shows of all time.
and yes, i favour it over Titanic. haha.

met up with eric and xuan and their fren, matthew, last week for dinner at PS's Manhattan Fishmarket. Really good stuff!
xuan and i shared the flaming platter thing, where they actually used some huge flame to melt the cheese spread atop the prawn. i'm quite scared of fire. lol.
the 2 guys had the same thing too, and eric asked whether they served a platter for 4. LOL.
when xuan told me both of them was gonna be a deadly combination, i was pretty apprehensive.
but it all proved to be good after that cos i laughed til i almost died. such great fun and company!
xuan and i had our usual ice cream after that for dessert. haha. yes we went to visit stephen over at the Hilton Hotel. and we just talked.
we love the night life! more of it soon k? =)

i sent an sms to someone the other day, and it went like this :
"i think no matter how much you liked XXX that time, he could never be YYY.. I think for us to truly truly love someone we have to be with them for some time, and then we'll decide whether it's worthwhile to invest time and energy into it.. But the fact that we always go back to the same person shows that we have not met the one person who will be able to take our breath away.."

"That someone to take our breaths away.... That someone who will be able to give us that lovin feelin, who has the same chemistry, who makes you forget about everything else in the world, whose eyes you see your future in, who makes everything else seem right, who sweeps you off your feet... Its like no matter whoever new you meet, he cant measure up.. Because he'll lack that special something with us, and no matter how much we do like him, it doesn't matter in the end, cos he wont be able to give us the same damn feeling.. Sigh"

"You know, with every little obstacle, we change.. We become more cynical. Wary. We are who we are today because of our past experiences. There's nothing to blame when you live life. But we never know what life brings, whether life would throw in another spanner, or bring out a rainbow, but it's up to us to try to be optimistic about it. Because we always pray for a better day when we can be stronger than before. And we pray for our fairytales.. Because no matter how much sheet we have to live through, we HAVE lived through it, and we can't help but still hold that really tiny tinge of faith within us, although it gets smaller everytime, it's still faith, and that we still have a fairytale to dream of.. No matter what it turns out, the castle might not be a castle. But it helps us live each day with that tiny tiny tiny amount of hope.."

i was in the process of clearing my sent messages when i came across these lengthy smses i sent to the same person. while typing it helped me clear my mind about a lot of things, and i hope it helped her too. in the end, we never do know what the future brings..

its been a very emotional week, because i found out more stuff about what my dad said. and i'm immensely disappointed.. not gonna say anything more about it here, cos i cant phrase it in words.

- the worst thing about being lied to.. is knowing that you're not worth the truth. -

i've been quite a bukit timah lover these days, fri onn shaun and i had dinner at Al-Azar (however you spell it) after his match at safra. sat i watched sam wong play joshua wong, which was super damn exciting, bcos sam, to us, is the stamina king. LOL.
headed to tp's pizza hut after that with the guys and we had a good laugh over dinner. topics ranged from army to squash and then everything under the sun. heh.
the cheesy bites thing tasted quite good, and seriously we were all quite hungry.
headed down to bukit timah after dinner to meet mianli. it has been a long time since i last saw him actually. plain old catching up. and yes the continuous jacks about me being a guy went on the entire day. LOL.
even the waiter in pizza hut was wondering la.

shit. i have a sudden craving for garlic bread.

anyway, i realised that my inbox and sent messages contains too many messages, so i started a deleting spree this morning. but somehow i couldn't bring myself to delete particular messages. although it was just a simple msg, i just couldnt delete it. and most of my inbox was occupied by the same person. HMM.

oh well. its time for safra again tml for jessie's match! =)
shes playing esther mok.HMMMMM.
going down to these kinda events brought back my sec sch memories, when we had the Wilson Opens and Head Opens then. I used to be the one of the officials calling participants regarding their match timings and fixtures. I loved the atmosphere then, and Safra Open made me relive those memories. although it has been a very long time, i will never forget it. never.

2006-09-08T12:59:00.000+08:00

In memory of Stephen Robert Irwin (22 February 1962 – 4 September 2006)
Our most beloved crocodile hunter.

I love watching his shows because he was a breath of fresh air among all the Jack Hannas of the world. I'm not saying Jack Hanna's stale, but just..a bit too normal. a tad too....safe.
Jack didn't bring about the same amount of interaction Steve had naturally. Steve was infectious, he was enthusiastic (although those Down Under cringed because he was overly enthusiastic), he was BOLD, he was amazing, and most importantly, he was born a natural at what he loved doing.

He got so much not-deserved flak for some issues, which was clearly unfair for him, because people didn't acknowledge him enough for bringing out more conservationists and for putting in everything he could for Australia's wildlife.
It's really sad how critics can lambast and blame him for his own death.Honestly, he just swam above the stingray, the stingray then felt threatened, and pierced the barb into his chest.
usually stingrays use their barb as a defence mechanism, and deaths rarely occur because they usually pierce the feet. and stingrays are usually docile creatures, but there's still the fact that wild animals are unpredictable. Steve's death is an example of that.
its crazy, how can anyone blame him for his own death?

its really sad to read the reports, tabloids, watch the news going on about it. and that incident happened when he was filming some shallow water shots for a segment in the television program his daughter Bindi (his daughter) was hosting.

the first picture was during Jay Leno's show, when Steve was a guest, and he brought 2 tiger cubs along with him. it was very sweet to see how Jay interacted with the cub.
the cub holding on to his arm while sucking on the bottle, i bet Jay's never had such an experience. Just look at both their expressions, priceless indeed.

the 2nd picture's background was of the shrine people created outside Irwin's Australia Zoo in Beerwah, Queensland. and a lizard just crawled past it.

the last one reflected Steve's life, the way he handled animals was just incredible.
i just love this picture, which actually made me tear when i looked at it. but as he had always said, he was mentally prepared for whatever happens because he knew the risks involved with his job. and Job Stainton,friend and colleague, said he died doing what he loved most.

and when one of his crocs died, he cried and cried in front of the camera, saying he loved her like he loved his wife. it was heartwrenching to watch him in that state.
and most of us thought he was invincible.

2006-09-06T01:05:00.000+08:00

Cristina: I'm not involved.
Izzie: What if this was Burke? What if you were me?
Cristina: This is bad. This is bad and serious and against a lot of rules. It's not fun for me.
Izzie: What if you were me?
Cristina: Well, I wouldn't have fallen in love with a patient.
Izzie: You fell in love with an attending.
Cristina: Well, so did Mere, what's the point?
Meredith: The point is, we can't help who we fall in love with.
George: Yeah.
Izzie: Yeah.

yeah, we cant help who we fall in love with. i really..couldnt help it.
and maybe now that i know, it's easier for me to put it all behind me.
you don't have to feel obligated to care anymore.
bcos i knew from that very one night, when you wanted me to be there for you, i was, but when i wanted you to just listen, you couldn't. i knew.
and when you knew i was upset that day, you didn't bother smsing or calling. i guess maybe in ur eyes, i'm really that strong a person to you.

it's time for me to walk away.